Observations
by SHADOWoftheFOX
Summary: Sephiroth tries to better understand people by observing Genesis, Zack, and Angeal. Unsurprisingly, it doesn't really help him much. -Nine out of ten dentists agree that you should read this fic!
1. Chapter 1

**Observations **

**Summary: Sephiroth tries to better understand human interactions by watching Genesis, Zack, and Angeal. Unsurprisingly, it doesn't really help him much. **

* * *

><p><strong>Incident:<strong> Scrabble

Sephiroth stood at the back of the room watching his three friends play Scrabble. They had asked him to join, but he didn't see the point in the exercise and had declined. However, they all seemed intently focused on the game.

"LOVE," Genesis said finally after a long pause. He laid four tiles onto the board, spelling out the word. "And it's a double word score," he added offhandedly as he shoved his still auburn hair away from his face.

"Love?" Zack repeated. "Aw, Genny, that's so sweet."

"Take your turn, pup," Genesis said doing his best to ignore Zack and waving a hand over the board and Zack stared intently at his pieces.

"I have GO," Zack said putting down the letter 'O' onto the board.

"Congratulations," Genesis said dryly and Angeal scribbled down the score.

"Yea, well I have bad luck, okay?" Zack said. "It's all about luck of the tiles."

"I have TENT," Angeal said as he placed three tiles onto the board.

Genesis smiled slightly as he carefully placed his wooden tiles on the board. Adding 'GESIA' to the back of ANAL, which had been laid down by a blushing Angeal several turns ago.

"And what the heck is that?" Zack asked.

"Is that a challenge?" Genesis asked with a wolfish smirk as he slid the dictionary across the table.

"No," Zack whined.

Angeal reached across the tale and picked up the dictionary. He quickly flipped through it. "Analgesia, insensibility to pain." He read.

"This is so pointless," Zack whined as he threw his hands into the hair.

"Not entirely," Genesis said. "As you pointed out earlier, luck is always an element of this game, so there is always a slim possibility of you winning."

"Thanks," Zack said sarcastically to Genesis before turning to Angeal. "What's the score?" He asked.

"You don't want to know," Angeal advised as he glanced down at the sheet of paper.

Zack rolled his eyes. "Probably not," he agreed.

"Does "OK" work?" Zack asked as he put an "O" before the "K."

"Sure," Angeal said.

"How many "O's" do you have?" Genesis asked.

"Wouldn't you like to know," Zack said winking at Genesis.

"Angeal, your puppy is very strange," Genesis said.

"I noticed."

"You might want to try getting him neutered. I heard that helps calm them down."

"What?" Zack yelped his eyes going wide as he glanced nervously between Genesis's even smile and Angeal's half amused, half annoyed expression.

"Or you could try a shock collar," Genesis added helpfully.

"I'll keep that in mind," Angeal said.

"Hey, I behave," Zack whined. "And someday I'm going make Soldier First Class. Then I'll show you!"

"He's kidding, Zack. You really are a good SOLDIER," Angeal said, smiling at Zack as he reached over to place down his word, TRUTH.

Genesis then took his turn, placing a "TH" on the back of the word "ZERO."

"Zeroth?" Zack asked.

Angeal was already flipping to the definition. "Zeroth, immediately preceding what is regarded as 'first' in a series."

"So zeroth means second?" Zack asked.

"Please, tell me you're kidding," Genesis said as he stared across the board at Zack.

"Of course I'm kidding," Zack said nervously. Genesis reached up and pressed his hands against his face and muttered something about destiny, _Loveless_, and stupidity.

Zack's phone then went off. He quickly plucked it out of his pocket, pulled out the offending noisemaker, and pressed it to his ear. He only listened for about a second before he let out a yelp. "Cloud! I'll save you!" Then he stuffed his phone back in his pocket and took off running for the door.

"Sorry," he called back. "I have to rescue a Chocobo."

After he was gone, the room was silent for a minute.

"Angeal," Genesis said finally, breaking the silence. "You should have gotten a cat instead."

**Lesson Learned: **Never play Scrabble with Genesis… or Zack.

* * *

><p><strong>Incident:<strong> Lunch

"Howdy," Zack said as he plopped himself down on cafeteria chair next to Angeal and across from Sephiroth and Genesis.

"How was the mission?" Angeal asked.

"Okay," Zack said. "Did I miss anything here?"

"Not really," Angeal said. "Just the usual stuff."

"Well," Genesis said. "You missed the pudding and the cake."

"Huh?" Zack asked, looking utterly confused.

"Oh, nothing. The cafeteria just had a feast to celebrate the recent victory. The food was really good, unlike the normal stuff they give us," Genesis explained.

"Good food," Zack echoed with a forlorn expression on his face as poked the mysterious gob of some unknown dead animal that was rotting on his plate.

"You know if you go up and ask them, they might have some leftovers from Monday. Why don't you go up and ask them?" Genesis suggested as he ran a finger over the rim of his cup. "They probably won't have any desert left, but they might have the other food."

"I will!" Zack declared and he stood up and made his way up to the lunch counter.

"We didn't have a feast on Monday," Angeal said, looking at Genesis with confusion.

Genesis smirked.

"I believe on Monday we had the fish that made us all so ill we ended up spending the rest of the day in the lavatory," Sephiroth said.

Angeal's eyes widened and he hurriedly stood up and took off after Zack.

"He ruins all my fun," Genesis whined as he absentmindedly poked at the large brown mass on his plate.

**Lesson Learned:** Don't trust Genesis, or the cafeteria food.

* * *

><p><strong>Incident: <strong>The Memo

"Sephy," Genesis purred as he sat down on Septhiroth's desk. "Have you seen the newest memo sent out by our esteemed Director?"

"No," He said thoroughly confused as to why Genesis would come down here just to ask him that. He also didn't understand why Genesis couldn't sit on the chair like a normal person.

"I think you should read it. It is… entertaining."

Sephiroth searched through the stack of papers on his desk and eventually found the memo which was entitled "Unacceptable SOLDIER Behavior." Sephiroth's brows furrowed in confusion, not understanding why Genesis wanted to show him this. He glanced down the list.

SOLDIERS may under no circumstances make false announcements regarding the lunch menu over the PA system.

SOLDIERS may under no circumstances lasso the cadets. The fact that some of the cadets may have hair similar to that of a Chocobo does not make this acceptable.

SOLDIERS may under no circumstances address his superiors as "Big Cheese Dude."

SOLDIERS may under no circumstances play golf on the roof.

SOLDIERS may under no circumstances redecorate the women's bathroom. In fact, SOLDIERS, seeing as they are all male, should not even be in the women's bathroom to begin with.

SOLDIERS may under no circumstances sell the cadets passes to the elevator, which does not require a pass, or tickets to the pool on the roof, which does not exist.

SOLDIERS may under no circumstances release farm animals into the facility.

"Zack," Sepiroth said once he had finished reading it.

"Zack," Genesis said with a knowing smirk as the door was suddenly thrown open and Angeal slid into the room, with a wide-eyed and worried look on his face.

"Have either of you seen Zack, or my coffee pot?"

**Lesson Learned:** Coffee is a highly dangerous substance and Zack fair should not be allowed near it.

**Lavatory**** is a funny word. Now please take a second to review! Tell me what you liked, if you'd like to see more, and if you have any suggestions for future drabble-things. Thanks!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you so much for all the wonderful reviews and suggestions! You guys gave great suggestions. I used two of them in this chapter.  
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**Anyway, you're reviews inspired me so much that I managed to update this pretty quickly. **

**Incident**: _Loveless_ and the Shopping Cart

"And in summation," Genesis said. "I think he deserves to die."

"Putting on a poor performance of _Loveless_ does not merit death," Angeal said as he shifted around the paperwork on his desk.

"_Poor_? Have you been listening to me at all? It was beyond poor. It was beyond terrible. It was a complete mockery. No single word can describe the terrible nature of this production." Genesis moaned. "Angeal, you do not understand my suffering."

"I think you need to let it go. You're acting completely irrationally."

"I thought I could obtain some level of understanding from you. You know what _Loveless_ means to me. But it seems I was mistaken." Genesis sighed dramatically and then spun in the chair to look at Sephiroth, who was seated at the opposite desk and was watching the exchange with mild interest. "It was nightmarish," Genesis said dramatically.

"I see," Sephiroth said after a moment, not knowing what else to say.

"No, you don't," Genesis whined as he slumped against the chair. "It was too terrible to look at."

"Genesis," Angeal snapped. "You're being completely unreasonable!"

At that moment, as if by destiny, Zack Fair rolled down the hallway in a metal shopping cart that was moving at an impressive speed. Following him was a herd of screaming cadets.

After he vanished from the SOLDIERs' view they heard a loud crash and a yelp followed by more shouting.

"However," Angeal said after a moment, "Compared to others, your behavior isn't so ridiculous."

**Lesson Learned**: Friends put up with each other's irrational behavior.

**Incident:** Laundry

Genesis was sitting on top of one of the empty driers reading _Loveless_ when Zack poked his head into the room.

"Hey, Genesis, do you have a load in the washer?" He asked.

"Yes, I'm washing my whites." Genesis replied not looking up from his book. "Why?"

"Well, I wanted to wear this shirt tomorrow, but it's pretty dirty, but I don't have enough dirty clothes to do a whole load myself, so I was just wondering if I could stick it in with your stuff."

"You know you could just wash it by hand," Genesis said.

"Yea, I could wash it in the sink over there and tell you this great story about how I sneezed a piece of ham out of my nose, or I could just stick it in with your stuff and leave you alone to read," Zack said, grinning victoriously.

"Fine," Genesis said as he glared over the top of his book at Zack, wishing for some relative peace and quiet. "Just stick it in with my stuff, but don't expect me to fold it for you or anything."

"Thanks, buddy," Zack said and he stuck the shirt in with Genesis' stuff and then he left.

Ten minutes later the buzzer went off and Genesis put down Loveless and hopped off the dryer. He opened the washer and pulled out one of the sheets and froze. It was pink. He yanked out a shirt. It was pink. He hadn't put anything red or pink in there. How had this happened? He kept digging until he pulled out a red T-shirt which read "I'm smiling because I have no idea what's going on." He glared at the offending shirt.

Sephiroth and Angeal were working on paperwork at their respective desks when the door was violently pushed open and Genesis burst into the room. "Have you seen the puppy?" he asked.

"What has he done this time?" Angeal asked with a sigh as he looked up from the report he was supposed to be writing.

"He's has dyed all my sheets and white clothing pink," Genesis said.

"And now you are going to…?"

"Murder him."

"I was under the impression that you liked pink," Sephiroth said.

"Huh?" Genesis said and Sephiroth motioned towards his outfit.

"This is _red_, Sephiroth, not pink," Genesis said, tugging on his duster. "Besides, it's the principle of the thing."

"Did he do on purpose?" Angeal asked.

"Probably not," Genesis admitted. "He's not that clever."

"Then maybe you should just forgive him for the innocent mistake," Angeal suggested.

Before Genesis could respond the door opened and Zack stepped inside. "Hey Angeal, I have to tell you this story. Okay, so I was at lunch-" He froze as he saw the way Genesis was looking at him.

"What I do?" He asked and the bolted from the room screaming as Genesis tore after him.

"Should we do something?" Sephiroth asked.

"No. Genesis won't really hurt him and we already tried to reason with him. They'll work it out on their own now."

"Alright," Sephiroth said uncertainty as he glanced to the door.

**Lesson Learned:** Sometimes you should let your friends work out their own problems, even if death threats are in the equation.

**Incident:** Thanksgiving

"I do not understand the point of this holiday," Sephiroth said as he looked over the table which was looking much more ornate than it normally did. They had pulled out the cloth napkins and the good table cloth, which signified that this was an important meal.

"It's simple," Genesis called from Angeal's kitchen where he was cutting up vegetables. "We eat a lot of food and say what we're thankful for."

"And we burn a turkey," Zack butted in as he entered the kitchen carrying a platter, a grin plastered on his face.

"Ah, yes," Genesis said as he flicked the vegetables into the bowl.

"We don't do that on purpose," Angeal cut in.

"But it does happen every year," Zack pointed out of. "So it's tradition!"

"And it's always your fault," Genesis added.

"What?" Sephiroth asked, thoroughly confused by the way this was going. However his exclamation was ignored.

"Did you burn the turkey the year before we met me?" Zack asked.

"No, we ate out," Angeal admitted.

"Life sucked without me didn't it?" Zack asked as he leaned against the kitchen counter.

"Things were certainly much less… exciting without you," Angeal admitted.

"Why is there an extra place set at the table?" Sephiroth asked as he was still surveying the table.

"Oh, Zack invited the cadet he's always talking about," Angeal said.

"I couldn't let him them feed him that terrible cafeteria food on Thanksgiving," Zack explained. "That would be beyond cruel."

"Where is he, by the way?" Genesis asked as he glanced looked the clock on the wall.

"I don't know," Zack said and then his face filled with dread. "Maybe he's hurt! Maybe something bad happened to him! What if he's lost? Oh my goodness. I have to go find him!"

"Would it not be more probable that he is simply late?" Sephiroth asked but Zack had already gone into mother bear mode and had bolted out the door, sword in hand.

"So who is this cadet?" Genesis asked as the door slammed shut. "Has anyone actually seen him?"

"I believe his name is Cloud," Angeal said, "but I haven't met him.

"I also do not know him," Sephiroth said.

Then the door swung open and Zack entered literally dragging a small blonde behind him.

"Angeal!" Zack cried. "I found a Chocobo! Can I keep him, pretty please?"

"Zack, stop harassing your friend, he looks like he going to faint," Angeal said and Zack pouted and released Cloud who immediately moved to hide behind Zack, blushing furiously.

"Wow, he really does look like a Chocobo," Genesis said with a smirk and got wacked on the head with a pot holder by Angeal.

Angeal let out an exasperated sigh as he put the pot holder down. "Can you please introduce us, Zack?"

"Oh, sorry," Zack said with a smile. He hauled the protesting Cloud forward. "This is Cloud. Cloud, this is Angeal, my amazing mentor, Genesis, who frequently tries to kill me, and Sephiroth, your idol."

Cloud, who already had been nervous and blushing slightly in the presence of the first class SOLDIERs, turned a deep shade of red at this remark.

"Your idol?" Sephiroth asked in confusion and Cloud's blush deepened. However, Genesis saved him, although that probably wasn't his intention.

"I only try to kill you when you deserve it," he said fingering his knife in a slightly threatening manner as he finished cutting the vegetables.

"What?" Zack asked. "I'm totally innocent!" Cloud relaxed slightly now that the focus was off of him.

"Yea right," Genesis snorted. "Of course you are."

"Guys, try to be nice. It is Thanksgiving," Angeal pointed out in a tired tone.

"I'm always nice," Zack said giving Angeal his signature I'm-an-innocent-bunny smile.

"So, how do you get your hair to do that?" Genesis asked Cloud. Cloud tensed, not liking that he was the center of attention once again.

"Um, it does it naturally, sir" Cloud said timidly, fingering one of the blonde spikes. "It's kind of annoying," he admitted as he eyed Genesis straight locks.

"No, it's fun," Zack protested, rubbing his hand through the blonde's hair.

"Zack, stop it!" Cloud cried as he struggled to free himself from the SOLDIERs grip.

"Angeal, perhaps it would be a good time to check on the turkey," Genesis said and Angeal's eyes widened and he snatched up the pot holder and hurried to the oven. He yanked the door open and some black smoke billowed out.

"Hurray!" Zack shouted as he jumped into the air in victory, releasing Cloud who quickly scurried a safe distance away. "It's burned, tradition lives on!"

"Huht?" Cloud said, completely confused and still mildly terrified.

"I have no idea what's going on either," Sephiroth informed Cloud who suddenly found his feet to be fascinating.

"It's not that burned," Angeal said as he pulled the monstrous turkey out of the oven. "Just sit down at the table, Zachary."

Angeal placed the turkey on the table and Genesis helped carry over the rest of the food. Then everyone took a seat around the table laden with all sorts of delicious food.

"This looks so good," Zack noted as his eyes flickered around the table at all the traditional thanksgiving food.

"Thanks," Angeal said as he took off the apron he had been wearing and tossed it aside.

"The puppy's drooling," Genesis noted.

"Can we eat now?" Zack said.

"No, first we're going to say what we're thankful for, you can start," Angeal said.

"Okay," Zack said, almost bouncing in his seat. "Let's see. I am thankful for getting into SOLDIER and having such awesome friends. I'm also thankful that Genesis didn't kill me when I accidently dyed his sheets pink or when I accidently caused some severe water damage to that copy of _Loveless_ he's always carrying around or when I-"

"Zack," Angeal said warningly as Genesis glared at Zack over the memory of the _Loveless_ incident.

"Sorry. Anyway. I'm also thankful that that my parents are in good health and all that stuff and I'm glad we burned the turkey." Angeal groaned at that but Zack ignored him and continued on. "And I'm thankful for meeting Cloud and I'm glad he doesn't get mad at me when I call him Chocobo-head and play with his hair." Cloud hid his face in his hands.

"Okay," Angeal said, cutting Zack off. "Let's let Cloud go."

"Er," the cadet said awkwardly, peaking through his fingers. "Um, I glad for all my friends."

"Like me!" Zack said excitedly.

"Yes, Zack," Cloud said in an almost patronizing voice, making Genesis chuckle. Cloud glanced down at his hands and then continued. "And I'm thankful for my mom for always supporting me. I'm also thankful that you guys invited me here," he said glancing at Angeal who smiled back. "That was really nice of you. I hope I become a SOLDIER too someday."

"I'm sure you will," Angeal said. "Now, Genesis, you go."

"I'm thankful for the apple pie you made."

"Genesis! That was supposed to be a surprise," Angeal hissed.

Genesis cocked an eyebrow at his childhood friend. "But you make it every year."

"Tradition!" Zack shouted.

"Anyway, I'm also thankful for my friends: Angeal, and Sephiroth." He stared straight at Zack as he said this.

"What about me?" Zack pouted, shooting Genesis some killer puppy-eyes.

Angeal let out a sigh. "Be nice, Gen."

"Okay, and the puppy," Gen added and then he crossed his arms signifying that he was done.

"No _Loveless_?" Zack asked.

"Shut up, puppy."

"Can we eat now?"

"No, Sephiroth and I still have to go," Angeal said.

"But the food's getting cold," Zack whined.

"It won't take long," Angeal said. "I'll go next. I am thankful for all my friends and family. I'm also thankful we could all come here tonight and that I finally got to meet Cloud. I'm also thankful for our honorable jobs and our good health."

"I knew honor would end up in there somewhere," Zack whispered to Cloud.

"Your turn, Seph," Genesis said.

"Seph?" Sephiroth asked startled by the abuse of his name.

"It's just a nickname," Genesis said.

"Go! I want to eat."

"Zack, be patient," Angeal chastised.

"I am thankful for you three," Sephiroth said, after thinking for a moment. "I've never had friends before. It is nice to just… have fun sometimes."

"We've corrupted him," Genesis hissed to Angeal with a smirk.

"Can we eat now?" Zack asked.

"Yes,"Angeal said and Zack began shoveling food into his face as if his life depended on it.

"Ew, Zack, slow down," Cloud ordered him. "You're making me lose my appetite."

**Lesson Learned:** He had a lot to be thankful for.

**I hope you liked it! Please review and give me some more suggestions for future incidents. Thanks! **

**And last but not least, I'd like to thank Nanakichan for the laundry suggestions and ShadesofImagination for the Thanksgiving suggestion.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Howdy! I'd just like to thank everyone who reviewed the last chapter. You guys are all awesome. **

**Incident:** Snow

"I hate snow," Genesis said as said loathsome substance crunched under his foot. "I hate cold and I loathe snow."

Sephiroth shot Genesis a questioning glance as he wondered where this irrational hatred came from. He looked over at Angeal who just shrugged.

"Are you not also the person who complains about the heat?" Sephiroth asked.

Genesis blinked once and then before he could answer he got pelted straight in the face with a snowball.

He let out a gasp and took a step backwards. "Zack Fair!" He screamed as he began to wipe the offending white sludge from his face. "I will kill you!" He bent down and grabbed a handful of the snow in his gloved hand and charged Zack who let out a squeak and took off, sprinting in the opposite direction.

However, the red SOLDIER was faster and quickly caught the boy and threw him to the cold, snowy ground and then proceeded to shove snow down the younger man's shirt.

"Perhaps we should save Zack," Angeal said and then he took off at a run just as Zack managed to escape from Genesis' clutches.

Zack tugged on his shirt, trying to get all the snow out as Angeal reached down and scooped up a handful of snow.

"Genesis," he called and Genesis turned to look at him, snow still dripping from his wet locks.

"Huh?" He asked before he was hit in the neck with a big wet snowball.

Another one hit his back as Zack let out a whoop of delight. Genesis dived behind Sephiroth, who was still watching the scene with slight confusion.

"Sephiroth!" Genesis cried. "Will you be my ally in this cruel war that my friends have thrust upon me?"

"Stop hiding behind Sepiroth," Zack called. "And fight like a man."

"What am I supposed to do?" Sephiroth asked, confused by this mock fight.

"Kill them!" Genesis answered as he hurled a snowball over Sephiroth. It missed Zack by several inches. Zack laughed at Genesis but he stopped laughing as Sephiroth's snowball hit his mark. He was caught so off guard that he actually fell over as the snow collided with his face.

And so the epic Snowball War began. A crowd gathered to watch the top SOLDIERs act like children as they had their snowball fight.

After an hour all four SOLDIERs were soaked and their fight ended the moment Genesis offered to make them hot chocolate.

"Did you have fun?" Genesis asked once they got back to his apartment. He rubbed a towel over his reddened skin.

"Fun?" Sephiroth asked.

"Yea," Genesis said handing him another towel. "Did you enjoy kicking their butts?"

"I suppose I did," Sephiroth said after a moment.

"Zack! Don't drink that! It's still boiling!" Angeal shouted from the other room and Genesis' eyes widened and darted off to try to stop the imminent mess that was about to take place in his kitchen.

**Lesson Learned: **Sometimes it's okay to act like a kid.

**Incident:** The Questions

"What makes us different than murders?" Genesis asked very suddenly. "One man who specifically kills one other man goes to jail. But we, who have killed hundreds, are heroes."

"I guess it boils down to who you kill and why," Angeal said seriously. "We're killing to help our country and we're only killing soldiers who have signed up knowing the risks."

Genesis let out a sigh.

"I know that's not a great answer, but it's a tough question that we should all keep in mind," Angeal said. "It's good to ask ourselves these difficult questions, it keeps us honorable."

"Yea," Zack said. "There are a lot of tough questions like that."

Angeal looked at him in surprise. "Yes," he agreed. "Life is full of tough questions. What questions were you thinking of?"

"Uh, I don't know," Zack said nervously rubbing the back of his neck with his hand. "Like, why do hotdogs come in packages of ten when buns come in packages of eight? And at a movie theater which arm rest is yours?"

After a short moment of silence, Genesis broke out laughing as Angeal stared at his young pupil, having no clue what to say.

"No, Zack," He said finally and then he joined in on Genesis' laughter.

**Lesson Learned: **Humor can be used to cheer people up.

**Incident:** Phones

The door to Sephiroth's office was pushed open and Zack skipped in, grinning from ear to ear, and plopped down in an empty chair. Sephiroth was instantly suspicious; the boy had a tendency to hide in his office when he was in trouble because most people seemed to be afraid of him.

"Hey, Sephy," Zack said.

"Sephiroth. My name is Sephiroth, Zack."

"Okay, Sephiroth, you should call Genesis and Angeal."

"Call them what?" Sephiroth asked, confused by this seemingly random conversation.

"No, call him on the phone."

"I do not understand why I would do that."

"Because you're friends with them, and that's what friends do," Zack said.

This was news to Sephiroth. He only called people for business reasons. "But why would I call them? Wouldn't it be friendlier to meet with them in person?" He reached for a form that was sitting in a nearby stack and began to fill it out.

"But you don't necessarily know where they are. That's why you should call them." Zack urged snatching the paper from Sephiroth's hands.

"Genesis is probably in his room and Angeal is teaching a class of Third Class SOLDIERs," Sephiroth said as he snatched the paper back.

"Just call them. It's important," Zack said as he stole Sephiroth's pen.

"What am I supposed to say to them?" Sephiroth reached for his pen put Zack put it in his pocket.

"Just call them!"

"Can I have my pen back?" Sephiroth asked.

"If you call them you can."

"If I must," Sephiroth said picking up his cell phone. First, he decided to call Angeal, since he was listed first on his contacts. He pushed send and listened to it ring for a moment before someone answered. Someone who was not Angeal.

"Hello?" Came a very timid voice. Sephiroth recognized the voice from somewhere, although he couldn't quite say who it was.

"Hello, this is General Sephiroth, and I am assuming you are not Angeal Hewey." He said.

"Uh, no sir," came the now terrified voice and something clicked in Sephiroth's mind.

"Am I by any chance speaking to Cloud Strife?" Sephiroth asked.

"Yes, sir."

"Ah, I see, would you like a moment to talk to, or yell at, Zachary Fair?"

"Hey, that's not fair!" Zack protested.

"Yes, sir," came Cloud's voice again, perking up slightly.

Sephiroth handed the phone over and the pouting puppy took it. "Hi, Cloudy."

"Don't Cloudy me! Why do you keep doing this to me Zack?" Came Cloud's voice.

"Oh come on, you should feel honored. Few people can say they were called in person by Sephiroth."

"That's the fifth person you've had call me today! It's awkward and embarrassing. And Reno wouldn't let me get a word in so he told me all this ahhh! I don't even want to think about it!"

Zack just laughed. "Aw, come on. Think of all the cool people you've gotten to meet."

"Zack. You suck."

"Aw, you're killing me."

The door opened and Genesis entered looking quite flustered. "I just tried to call you and ended up having the creepiest conversation with Reno."

**Lesson Learned:** Never let Zack Fair near your phone.

**Incident:** The Elevator

Someone, later on it was decided that Kunsel was to blame, showed Zack the list of 30 Annoying Things to Do on an Elevator. Zack decided to take it upon himself to enact all 30.

**1. Walk on with a cooler that is labeled "HUMAN HEAD" on the side**.

Hojo tried to buy it off of him.

**2. Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. **

Although Genesis acted pleased that Zack didn't annoy him, he was secretly worried.

**3. Bet the other passengers that you can fit a quarter in your nose. **

Reno lost ten gil.

**4. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM" and back away slowly. **

"_Them_?" Cissnei asked as she turned to glare at him. "What? Do you mean a Turk? Because yea, I am a Turk, and I'm darn proud of it. Do you have a problem with that? What is it with all you SOLDIERs thinking that you're so superior to us just because you let scientists fill you up with green goop?"

Zack felt thoroughly berated and apologized quickly.

**5. Announce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host body." **

Angeal dragged Zack down to the infirmary to get him checked out. After it was decided that he was fine Angeal forbid Zack from ever having coffee again.

**6. Say "Ding" at each floor. **

Reno chipped in and said "Dong," at each floor. Then Kunsel joined in and they decided to start their own music group.

**7. Say "I wonder what all these do?" and push all the red buttons. **

Angeal made him apologize to everyone on the lift and then he kicked him off and made him take the stairs.

**8. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button. **

Sephiroth, not knowing what else to do, decided to just ignore him.

**9. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"**

Everyone else in the lift just assumed that it was of those things that only the SOLDIER's enhanced senses could hear.

**10. Bring a snowboard onto the elevator. Put it on. Every time the lift goes up or down, shout "WOO-YEAH! This is what I call sick air!"**

At first Cloud asked him to stop, but after a few floors he got off and returned with a pair of skis and joined in, which was fun his unit leader got on and asked him what the heck he was doing. Then it became awkward and of course, Zack was no help.

**11. When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you. **

Sephiroth was pretty sure this was not normal human behavior and he tried to ignore him.

**12. Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more**.

Reno pulled out his EMR and gave Zack a real shock.

**13. Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones. **

"I'm surprised, Zack," Genesis muttered, "Usually you're so good at pushing my buttons."

**14. Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on. **

They didn't, but he did manage to get a date with the psychic who was fairly attractive.

**15. Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?" **

Angeal dragged Zack back down to the labs for more testing.

**16. Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!" **

Cloud threw it at him and then hid in the corner the rest of the ride.

**17. Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator. **

Zack got twelve pictures of Genesis giving him the middle finger and five of Reno making very strange, yet erotic faces.

**18. Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on; ask if they have an appointment.**

Sephiroth turned around and left, deciding that it would probably be easier just to walk up to the 60th floor.

**19. Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play. **

He beat Cloud and Kunsel but lost to a strangely flexible office worker.

**20. Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers. **

He even managed to get Cloud to take notes.

**21. Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally. **

Sephiroth hadn't realized how appropriate the nickname, puppy, was until that incident. Zack hadn't realized how sharp Masamune was until that incident.

**22. When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again." **

Cloud panicked.

**23. Swat at flies that don't exist. **

Reno offered to help him swat the pests and then wacked Zack with his EMR.

**24. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!" **

Angeal was glad, because it meant he'd stop borrowing his.

**25. When at least eight people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now... motion sickness!"**

He'd never seen the cadet's run so fast.

**26. Frown and mutter "Gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "Oops!" **

He'd never seen the secretaries run so fast.

**27. One word: Flatulence **

He had the black bean casserole for dinner. Cloud fainted.

**28. Bring a chair along. **

Genesis probably would have just ignored him had it not been a rolly chair and had Zack not demanded that Genesis spin him. Instead, Genesis pushed him out of the elevator at the first opportunity.

**29. While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, "Hide it...quick!" then whistle innocently. **

Sephiroth, once again, just decided to ignore Zack. However, Tseng ended up following Zack for the rest of the day as he tried to figure out what the SOLDIER was up to.

**30. Call out, "group hug!" and then enforce it. **

He managed to get two secretaries and the janitor in on the hug, however, Sephiroth proved to be incredibly stubborn.

**Lesson Learned: **Always expect the unexpected.

**(Note: I did not create the "Annoying Thing to do in a Elevator" list. That thing has been circulating the internet for ages. I just modified it to fit my needs. And of course, I added the characters reactions.)**

**I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Please review. **


	4. Chapter 4

**Thanks so much for all of the reviews last chapter! You guys are all fabulous. **

**Incident:** The Bet

It had all started with Genesis and a casual comment. "You know, they say that you can't eat eight Saltine crackers in a minute."

"No way, I could totally do that," Zack said sitting up to face Genesis.

"Why is it impossible?" Sephiroth inquired as he looked up from the newspaper that he was reading.

"I guess it's because they're so dry and salty. It makes it hard to swallow," Genesis said with a shrug.

"I could so do that."

"No way, pup," Genesis said.

"I can. Want to bet?"

"Sure," Genesis said with a smirk. "What are we risking?"

"If I win, you have to cross-dress and sing a song of my choice."

Genesis' eyes narrowed. "Where?"

"In the cafeteria," Zack said with a devilish smirk.

"Okay. But if you can't eat all eight, then you have to dance in the cafeteria at lunch time in a bikini."

"Deal," Zack said offering his hand, which Genesis shook with a wicked smile on his face.

"Deal," the auburn repeated.

"Okay, let's go get these crackers!" Zack said as he bounded out of his seat and skipped down the hall to the cafeteria with Genesis and Sephiroth trailing behind them.

Zack walked up to the one of the cafeteria workers and asked for eight crackers. However, the lady refused to just give them the crackers, saying that they could only give out two with each bowl of soup. Thus, the SOLDIERs ended up having to order four bowls of soup just to get the eight crackers.

Once they had dumped out the oddly purple colored soup, they took their seat.

"Sephiroth, you can time me," Zack said, not really trusting Genesis with that task when the stakes were as high as they were.

"You only get one minute, puppy," Genesis reminded him as he helped Zack to remove the crackers from the plastic wrap.

"Are you ready?" Sephiroth asked, after Zack had stacked the crackers in front of him.

"Yup," he said.

"Proceed," Sephiroth said and Zack immediately stuffed three crackers into his mouth.

"Gross," Genesis said, turning away from Zack's open mouth chewing to look at Sephiroth.

"What is the point of this activity?" Sephiroth asked. "Do you wish to see Zack in a bikini?"

Genesis' eyes widened and he choked on air before gasping out a frantic, "No!"

"Then why are you doing this?"

"To embarrass him," Genesis said. "To prove to him that he's not the best at everything."

"I see," Sephiroth said, although he still didn't quite understand.

"Done!" Zack yelled banging his first on the table.

"54 seconds," Sephiroth said as his eyes flickered to his watch.

"What?" Genesis gasped as he glanced frantically between Zack and Sephiroth.

Zack laughed at his expression. "Will you need help picking out a dress?" Zack teased as he snatched up a nearby glass of water and then proceeded to chug it.

"No," Genesis growled and then banged his head against the table.

**Lesson Learned:** Never bet against Zack Fair.

**Incident:** Movie Night

"Oh my god!" Zack squealed as he hugged a pillow. "That was so cool."

"Shouldn't he be dead by now?" Genesis asked through a yawn.

"What?" Zack snapped, rounding on Genesis. "He's the hero. He's not going to die."

"Well, so far it appears that he has lost at least two gallons of blood, and since the average person only has a little over five litters, he's should be dead," Genesis retorted.

"That is an abnormal quantity of blood," Sephiroth agreed.

"Ah, you guys are missing the point!" Zack cried. "He's the good guy. He's going to keep fighting no matter how injured he is."

"Maybe he's a zombie," Genesis said as he stared, perplexed, at the screen.

"Or perhaps this is just a poorly made film," Sephiroth offered dryly.

"_Poorly made_? _Poorly made_!" Zack echoed in horror. "This is my favorite movie! It's fantastic."

"This is just weird. Is there even a plot?" Genesis inquired.

"It just seems to be violence and explosions," Sephiroth added.

"What? No! There's a plot. He's got to kill these guys and rescue the girl," Zack explained waving widely at the screen as the hero ran across a battlefield of corpses, nimbly dodging bullets.

"Why?" Sephiroth asked.

"Why? Because he's the hero!"

"How is he not getting shot?" Genesis asked. "How could their aim possibly be _that _bad? He's hardly moving."

"He's just that good," Zack explained.

"Can you guys just shut up and watch the movie?" Angeal, who had been silent until now, snapped.

"This is a stupid movie, why am I watching this anyway?" Genesis grumbled as he crossed his arms and leaned back against the couch.

"I was shocked that you agreed to this," Angeal said shooting Genesis a curious glance. He usually avoided Zack's crazy movie nights like the plague.

"I believe you were blackmailed," Sephiroth said.

Genesis' eyes widened and he tensed as Angeal turned completely to look at him.

"What did you do?" He asked his childhood friend suspiciously.

"Nothing, Sephiroth was kidding, weren't you?" He said looking at Sephiroth with slightly panicked eyes.

"Sephiroth, what's going on?" Angeal asked.

"Nothing," Genesis hissed nudging Sephiroth with his elbow in an attempt to keep him quiet.

"Sephiroth?" Angeal inquired softly. He knew that Sephiroth wouldn't lie to him. He was sure however, that Genesis was lying to him, and that made him very concerned. What could Genesis have done that would make him feel the need to hide it from his closest friend?

Sephiroth wasn't sure what to do. He didn't want to lie to Angeal, but obviously that is what Genesis wanted him to do. He felt torn, but in the end he decided to tell the truth, or at least part of it. "Genesis and Zack had a bet," he said finally.

"Sephiroth!" Genesis yelled, sounding betrayed and frustrated.

"And he lost, so he had to watch this movie?" Angeal asked, not understanding why that was such a big deal. The movie wasn't _that_ bad. "What was the bet about?"

"No, he's watching the movie with me to try and get on my good side. The bet was about cracker eating," Zack supplied. That answer failed to clear up any of Angeal's confusion.

"I thought we had a deal," Genesis hissed to Zack.

"Yea, well you're not really holding up your end. You keep whining about the movie."

"I'll stop, I promise."

"What are you hiding?" Angeal asked, feeling completely out of the loop.

"Pictures," Zack said brightly as Genesis sighed in defeat.

"What pictures?" Angeal said uneasily.

"This," Zack said, pulling out his wallet and handing a folded picture to Angeal.

Angeal unfolded them and then stared at the picture for a moment, not understanding their importance. Why had Zack given him a picture of a random woman? Wait. Oh. "Genesis?" He breathed.

Genesis let out a moan and covered his face with his hands.

"Wow," Angeal laughed, not knowing what else to say as he glanced between the auburn SOLDIER and the picture.

"Stop it," Genesis grumbled. "Letting you take pictures was not part of deal, Zackary."

"You're just lucky Reno smashed my video camera," Zack said with a poorly concealed laugh.

"You actually make a fairly attractive woman, although your shoulders are too wide," Angeal said, trying hard not to laugh.

"He also has a surprisingly good singing voice," Zack offered.

"I hate you all," Genesis said and then without warning, he lunged across the sofa, diving across Sephiroth's lap, and quickly snatched the picture from his friend's hands. Flames burst around Genesis' hands and the photos disintegrated in into black ash.

"There's no need to waste materia," Angeal chastised, although he was still laughing.

"And I have more copies of that," Zack said smirking at Genesis.

Genesis groaned as he fell back into his seat. "I really hate all of you."

**Lesson Learned:** There are no secrets among friends.

**Incident:** Frisbee

"Sephiroth, I am shocked that you partook in this," Shinra said as he looked down at the four SOLDIERs that stood in front of him. "And you Angeal. I am surprised, and disappointed, in you too."

Genesis and Zack exchanged looks questioning their negative reputation.

"Sorry, sir," Angeal said and Sephiroth nodded slightly.

"So you…" the President paused as he looked down at the report in front of him. He glanced up at the SOLDIERs and then back at the sheet before continuing in a confused voice, "were playing Frisbee on the roof… against the Turks?"

The four SOLDIERs nodded slowly.

The President just stared at them for a minute. "And you managed to cause thousands of dollars worth of damage," he continued gravely.

"It was Reno's fault. He should have been able to catch that," Zack said quietly.

"Sorry, sir," Angeal said again quickly.

"That's coming out of you four's salary," the President snapped as he glared at the four of them. "This is not the kind of behavior that I expect out of the SOLDIERs. You are all a disgrace to Shinra."

"We understand," Angeal said shoving Zack slightly to keep him from protesting.

"Alright then. I'm a busy man so you're dismissed," the President said waving a hand at them and the four hurried for the door.

"Wait," the President said and they all froze in the doorwar. "Did you at least win?"

"Yup," Zack said smiling happily. "Ten to six!"

"Good. Now get out of here."

**Lesson Learned: **Sometimes it's fun to break the rules.

**Incident: **The Puppy

"Can I keep him? Huh? Huh? Angeal, please?" Zack whined as he held a scrawny black and white dog in his arms. It had a long face and floppy ears that seemed too big for its tiny head. It squirmed happily in Zack's arms. "I found him on the street in a cardboard box near a dumpster. Someone threw him out, Angeal!"

Angeal pressed a hand against his face; he knew a battle was coming.

"Birds of a feather flock together," Genesis muttered from behind Angeal.

The dog licked Zack's face and the young SOLDIER giggled.

"Zack, we can't have a dog," Angeal said trying to sound firm.

"Please," Zack begged.

"Zack, you live in an apartment," Angeal reminded him, trying to be rational and ignore the overpowering cuteness that was radiating from Zack and the puppy.

"I'll take him out all the time," Zack promised.

"You don't have that much free time. A dog is a lot of work and a puppy is going to be a ton of work."

"Please. I'd make time for him. I promise."

"You go on missions a lot. What are you going to do when you're away?"

"You could take care of him," Zack said shooting his legendary puppy eyes at his mentor.

"What if we're both on missions?" Angeal tried his best not to let the adorable puppy eyes faze him.

"Then Sephiroth and Genesis can take care of him." The squirming dog let out a yip.

"Whoa, I'm not taking care of that dog when I finally get a break from the puppy," Genesis said turning away from the unbearable cuteness that was the squirming puppy.

"I do not know how to take care of this… creature," Sephiroth said as he eyed the small dog who abruptly let out a high pitched bark. Sephiroth took a step back so that Genesis was between him and the little creature.

"He's not just a creature Seph, he's a puppy!" Zack said happily as he approached Sephiroth with the puppy. "Want to hold him?" Zack asked.

"No," Sephiroth said eyeing the animal uncertainly.

"Aw, don't be a stick in the mud. You know you want to hold the puppy," Zack cooed.

"No, Fair. I am quite sure I do not want to hold that squirming creature," Sephiroth said.

"Aw, but you won't really know until you try," Zack said pushing the puppy at him. It stretched out its little head and licked Sephrioth's hand.

Sephiroth sighed in defeat. He had already learned that there was no opposing Zack once he was determined to do something, so he scooped up the little puppy into his arms.

"Aw, aren't you cute," Zack purred in a baby voice to the puppy who barked in response causing Zack to laugh.

"He's adorable Zack," Angeal said. "But you can't keep him. We can't keep a dog here at a military headquarters."

"Aw, but I can't leave him out there to die on the streets!"

"We'll just have to find him another home," Angeal said rationally.

Footsteps echoed on the tile floor behind them and a door squeaked as Lazard entered the room. "Ah, Zack, just the man I was looking for. I need to talk to you about your last mission," he said and then he stopped as he spotted Sephiroth holding the squirming puppy. It let out a happy yip. "Why do you have a puppy?" He asked. Part of him was fearing the answer.

"I found him," Zack chirped. "We need to find him a home."

Lazard blinked. So this is what the four greatest killing machines did in their spare time – they found homes for abandoned puppies. He just shook his head. "Zack, my office," he said and then he left the odd scene behind him.

"Take care of him while I'm gone," Zack called as he skipped off after the Director, leaving the three Firsts with the real puppy.

"Well, what are we going to do now?" Genesis asked.

"I'll go ask around and see if anyone is willing to take on a puppy," Angeal said as he turned to leave. "You just keep him from peeing on the carpet."

Sephiroth grimaced and then tried to hand the puppy off to Genesis who held up his hands. "I don't want him."

"I do not know what to do with him," Sephiroth said. "Did you not grow up on a farm?"

"I grew up on an apple orchard, not a farm. We never had a dog, my mom didn't like them. We had a cat, Miss. Alice."

Sephiroth could see Genesis as a cat person… and address it by "miss." The only thing that surprised Sephiroth is that the feline wasn't named after Loveless in some way. Maybe the cat predated his Loveless obsession. He wondered when Genesis' Loveless obsession began, although he didn't bother asking. He had other things on his mind at the moment, like the puppy peeing on his leather jacket. So instead he asked, "What am I supposed to do with him?"

"I don't know. Just sit him down," Genesis suggested. "It has legs, I presume."

Sephiroth awkwardly sat the puppy on his own four feet and immediately the dog took off running down the hallway.

"I believe we should follow it," Sephiroth said.

"This is all Zack's fault," Genesis muttered as they took off after it.

It took the two SOLDIERS fifteen minutes of searching, and in Genesis' case, fifteen solid minutes of complaining, to locate the puppy.

"Let's name it Zack," Genesis said as he scooped up the puppy into his arms after they found it scrounging around in an overturned trash can. "It's proven to be annoying enough to deserve that name." It twisted around in his arms to lick his face. "Gross," Genesis muttered as he tried to thwart the puppy's attempts at showing affection.

"What do we do now?" Sephiroth asked, eyeing the wriggling animal.

"I don't know, but when Angeal returns, let's make him take care of him. He has experience dealing with dogs."

"Did he have a dog growing up?" Sephiroth inquired.

"No, I meant he had experience dealing with Zack," Genesis said with a laugh.

"So what do we do until then?" Sephrioth asked.

"I don't know, but I'm not letting this guy shed all over my room."

Sephiroth surveyed the dog for a minute and then sighed. "We can take him to my room."

"Alright. I'll carry him there then," Genesis said and they set off to the elevator.

After waiting for a minute or two one of the elevators finally opened before them. Its only occupant was Reno.

He eyed the two SOLDEIRs and the puppy as they casually stepped onto the lift.

"What's with the dog, yo?" he asked.

"Oh, it's Zack," Genesis said casually.

"Zack? You mean the crazy 2nd Class SOLDIER?" Reno asked jokingly.

"Yes," Genesis answered seriously but with the barest hint of a smirk. "An experiment with materia kind of went south, if you know what I mean. But Hojo said it would probably wear off in a few hours so don't worry about it," Genesis lied smoothly while Sephiroth shot him a confused glance.

"You're serious, man?" Reno asked as he stared at the puppy in shock.

"Hm," Genesis hummed. "Can't you tell it's him?"

The puppy barked loudly as if in agreement.

"Wow, I guess it does kinda look like him," Reno said as he looked closely at the puppy.

Genesis glanced at Sephiroth, his eyes sparkling with mischief and his lips pressed together tightly to stop himself from laughing.

The elevator slid to a stop and Reno took a step forward then stopped and reached out a hand to pat the puppy on the head. The puppy let out a low growl and Reno yanked his hand back and then hurried out of the elevator.

The second the doors shut Genesis burst out laughing. "You're not so bad," he cooed to the puppy as he rubbed its furry back with a gloved hand as the puppy's tail wagged wildly.

"Why did you lie to Reno?" Sephiroth asked.

Genesis laughed. "Because it's Reno. You mean you didn't think that was hilarious? He actually believed me!"

The dog yipped loudly from Genesis arms as the elevator halted once again. They stepped out of the lift and almost ran straight into Angeal.

"Hey guys," he said. "It turns out that Tseng loves animals and is willing to take him."

"That is good news," Sephiroth said.

"Great," Genesis said pushing the puppy into Angeal's arms. "And you can tell him that if he ever needs someone to watch him while he's on a mission and Zack's not around, I'll do it."

"Oh. That was a quick change of heart. I thought you didn't like dogs," Angeal said in confusion as the puppy licked at his face.

"I like _this_ dog," Genesis said with a smile as he turned and walked away.

"He wants to annoy Reno with him, I believe," Sephiroth said.

Angeal sighed. He knew it would be something like this. "What did you do this time, Gen?"

**Lesson Learned: **Even puppies can be used for evil.

**Please review! Also, please leave suggestions if there is an incident you would like to see and please tell me if I made a mistake or typo. Constructive criticism (and of course compliments) are always much appreciated. Finally, thanks to ****Nanakichan** **for the suggestion of the puppy and Mel for suggesting a game against the Turks, which made me think of the frisbee incident. **


	5. Chapter 5

**Thanks for all the reviews from last chapter. Here's chapter five! Whoo!**

**Incident:** Hide-and-go-Seek

"You've _never_ played hide-and-go-seek?" Zack gasped, looking like a fish out of water as he stared at Sephrioth in pure shock.

"Sorry," Sephiroth said uncomfortably. He did not understand why this was such a big deal. As far as he knew such childish games were unimportant and taught no valuable skills.

"What about tag? Did you play tag? You played tag, right?"

"No."

"How did you survive your childhood?" Zack gulped, acting as if Sephiroth's answers were physically hurting him. "Did you do anything fun?"

"Zack," Angeal said in a warning tone as he glanced between Sephiroth and Zack.

"What? He didn't play tag. Who didn't play tag as a child? I mean, Genesis, even you played tag as a child, right?"

"I played it before, yes," Genesis said, his tone indicating that tag was clearly below him.

"How did you not play tag?" Zack asked, turning back to Sephiroth.

Sephiroth wasn't sure how to answer this question but luckily Angeal answered for him. "Zack," he hissed. "He grew up here. He didn't get to play games with other children."

"Oh," Zack said looking quite dumbstruck at this realization. Then an idea hit him. "Then we can do it now!" He said excitedly.

"Zack, we are adults, we can't play tag," Angeal reasoned as he ran a hand through his black hair.

"Why not? Are you not secure enough in your masculinity to play a child's game?" Zack teased.

"We can't be playing tag, we have a reputation to-"

"Aw, but it will be fun, and Sephiroth never got to play it. Are you going to take away Sephy's chance at a fun childhood?" Zack shot his infamous puppy eyes at his mentor.

"Zack, this is very immature."

"Party pooper!" Zack cried dramatically and Angeal resisted the urge to roll his eyes. Then Zack turned to face Genesis. "Are you in?"

"I suppose," Genesis said with a simple shrug.

Angeal raised his eyebrows at Genesis in surprised. Genesis was not the type to let Zack draw him into his insanity. In fact, he was usually the one trying to curb stomp Zack's wild ideas.

Zack lit up at Genesis' agreement and quickly turned to his silver haired friend. "Sephiroth, you're in right? I promise this will be fun."

"Alright," Sephiroth said uncertainly as he glanced from Genesis to Angeal.

"Zack, we don't even have enough people to play-"

"Have no fear, Angeal. I'll get more people."

Angeal sighed in defeat. "Okay, I'm in. Just please don't break anything."

"Score!" Zack cried.

**oooooooooooooooooo**

"So, you want me to play Hide-and-go-Seek, with ya?" Reno questions suspiciously as he leaned against the door leading to his office.

"Yup," Zack said. He was so excited about the upcoming game that he was practically hopping in place, which had earned him a couple strange glances from the people passing through the hallway

"Seriously?" Reno asked, raising a single red eyebrow.

"Yup. It's for Sephiroth. He's never played it before," Zack explained.

"Well, then what the heck. Why not?" Reno said and then he leaned back into the office. "Hey, Rude, want to play Hide-and-Go-Seek with the SOLDIER boys?"

"Is that a code name for something?" Rude called back, sounding rather confused.

"No, I really mean Hide-and-Go-Seek, like the kiddie game."

"Really?"

"Yea, yo," Reno called back.

"Well, all right then," Rude answered, still sounding slightly confused by this concept.

"Yes! See you later then," Zack said taking off down the hall and nearly plowing through a nervous secretary.

"Crazy SOLDIERs," Reno muttered as he returned to his office.

**oooooooooooooooooo**

"Because you love me," Zack said as he leaned across the cafeteria table and peered into blue eyes.

"Okay, first of all, I don't love you," Cloud said as he poked at his salad with his fork. "Second, aren't you too old to be playing kids' games?"

"No! Come on Cloudy. I need more people and we're good friends right?"

"If anyone sees me I'll never live it down," Cloud argued, still looking down at his plate.

"What? Are you kidding me? If someone sees you hanging out with the coolest people in Shinra they'll be totally envious. I mean you'll be with the three legendary First Class SOLDIERS and of course, myself. Everyone will be wishing they were you."

Cloud was silent for a minute trying to think up an argument but then he made a crucial mistake, he looked up in Zack's big pleading puppy eyes. "Alight," he said softly.

"Yay!"

**oooooooooooooooooo**

"Hey, Kunsel," Zack said bounding up to his friend.

"What's up?" Kunsel asked as he looked over his shoulder at his approaching best friend.

"Want to play a game?"

"What kind of game?" Kunsel asked.

"A game with Sephiroth, Angeal, Genesis, Reno, Rude, and Cloud," Zack said counting them off on his fingers. He looked up and smirked. "And of course myself!"

"The SOLDIERs and the Turks?" Kunself said. "Wow. That sounds dangerous."

"You in?"

"Of course I'm in. Let the games begin, pup."

"Hey, you can't call me that!"

"Why not? It suits you so well!

**oooooooooooooooooo**

Tseng stepped into Reno's office, looking for the wild redhead. However, instead, he found a completely different redhead sitting on the floor behind the Reno's messy desk.

"What are you doing here?" He asked Genesis after he made sure that Genesis did not have his sword with him.

Genesis looked up at him, flicking a lock of hair away from his face and then he pressed a gloved finger against his lips. "Quiet," he said with a smirk. "You're going to blow my hiding spot."

"What?" Tseng asked, completely baffled. "What is going on? Where is Reno and why are you here?" Tseng had a bad feeling about this. A very bad feeling.

Suddenly, the door was violently thrown open and Zack poked his head into the room, he glanced at Tseng and the edged farther into the room and spotted Genesis hiding behind the desk. Genesis immediately leapt to his feet.

"Got you!" Zack cried, knowing that the other SOLDIER was trapped. However, Genesis gracefully hopped over the desk and then used Tseng as a shield, pushing him into Zack as he made a clean escape out of the room and then down the hallway.

"Sorry!" Zack called to Tseng as he untangled himself from the Turk and then raced after Genesis. Tseng straightened his suit and glanced around the office. Confusion showed in his usually stoic face as he tried to understand the strange events which had just occurred. Deciding to chalk this up to the fact that SOLDIERs weren't the most stable lot, he stepped out of Reno's office just as the door to the nearby janitor's closet was pushed open and two heads poked out. He did a double take when he realized who they were: the Silver General himself, and his own bald Turk, Rude. Then the two heads disappeared and the door was yanked shut again.

Tseng just stared at the closed door for a minute and then he shook his head and turned and walked away, heading back towards his office. He decided that he didn't even want to know what was going on. He was going to block this incident from his mind.

**Lesson Learned: **Hide-and-go-Seek is a necessary life activity and it's pretty darn fun.

**Incident: **Girlfriend

"Woah, back up the fun bus," Zack nearly shouted. "I'm not single."

"Really? Are you implying that someone would date you?" Genesis inquired as he reached forward and drew out one of the Jinga blocks from the stack. He smirked as the tower swayed dangerously but didn't topple as he placed the wooden block back on the top.

"What?" Zack asked. "Everyone wants to date me!"

"I don't want to date you," Sephiroth said stoically causing Genesis to break into a fit of laughter and nearly knock down the tower.

"I meant girls," Zack said blushing slightly, although he too was laughing. "All the _girls_ want to date me."

"Please. I've got a way bigger fan club than you," Genesis said to Zack before turning to Angeal who was taking his turn. "Don't be a wuss. Take out one of the side pieces, not one of the middle ones."

Angeal pushed out one of the middle pieces and set it on the top.

"Wimp," Genesis proclaimed.

"Not taking an unnecessary risk doesn't make me a wimp, it makes me smart."

"It makes the game boring," Genesis complained as he crossed his arm and slouched against the couch.

"My turn?" Zack asked hopefully.

"Yes," Angeal said. "You go after me, like the last eight turns."

Zack reached for a piece and then stopped and looked Genesis. "Didn't your parents start your fan club?" Genesis glared back across the table at him, as if daring him to say something else, before nodding ever so slightly. Zack smirked victoriously as he drew one of the blocks from the tower. It swayed dangerously for a moment and then toppled, spilling wooden blocks across the table and onto the floor.

"Aw, man. I lost again," Zack moaned and then perked up. "But I'm still the only one with a girlfriend, so I'm the winner in love."

"Prove it," Genesis said as he tossed a block at Zack, which he easily caught.

"Prove what?"

"That you have a girlfriend."

"Oh," Zack said.

"Besides if you guys are serious, you have to introduce her to your family," Genesis added motioning to himself and the other two First Class SOLDIERS.

"I would like to meet her," Angeal added.

"Okay," Zack smiling at them. "I'll introduce you sometime then, but none of you better flirt with her," he glared pointedly at Genesis who looked slightly insulted.

"I'm not doing anything right now," Genesis said. "What about you, Sephy? Got anything on your planner?"

"I do not have a planner, nor anything that I need to be doing right now," Sehpiroth said.

"Angeal? Any exciting things planned for today?"

"No."

"Puppy?"

"No."

"Then do you want to be a good boyfriend and randomly bring your girlfriend chocolate or whatever you romantics do?" he said.

"I thought you were a romantic," Zack said.

"Only for the goddess," Genesis said dramatically.

Angeal rolled his eyes behind him.

"Okay," Zack said. "I'll introduce you to Aerith."

**oooooooooooooooooooooo**

"She lives in a church?" Genesis asked as Zack headed for the church doors. The four SOLDIERs were attracting quite a bit of attention in the slums. "Puppy, that is not a good sign for your sex life," he added.

"Genesis!" Angeal snapped. "You can't say things like that to people."

"Yes, mom," Genesis teased.

"If only you listened to me as well as you listened to your mother."

"Eh, I didn't listen to her all that much," Genesis admitted.

"She doesn't live in the church," Zack finally managed to cut in between the two's bickering. "She has a garden there."

"A garden? Here?" Angeal asked excitedly. "She must be quite the gardener."

"She's an amazing gardener," Zack said proudly. "She grows the most beautiful flowers. I've never even heard of anyone else who was able to grow flowers down here."

"Plants," Genesis said, with noticeable distaste.

"What do you have against plants?" Sephiroth inquired.

"Bugs," was Genesis' short reply.

Zack pushed open the church door. It creaked loudly but slid open easily under his stronghands.

"Aerith?" He called into the large room.

"Zack?" Came the flower girl's soft voice as she stood up. She had been crouching near her precious flowers. She dusted off her pink dress and smiled at him. Her gaze flickered to the other men behind Zack. "I wasn't expecting you," she said as

Zack bounded over to her and pulled her into a bear hug.

"My friends wanted to meet you," Zack explained as he released her. She peered around Zack's large arm at the other three men.

Angeal smiled at her brightly, Genesis gave her a short wave, and Sephiroth just stood there. He wasn't sure quite what to do so he went with his automatic reaction, which was to act cold.

However, Aerith wasn't frightened away from them, despite recognizing them as SOLDIERs, a group she had once told Zack she was scared of. "Oh," she said as she skipped over to them, dragging the puppy behind her by one hand. "Zack's told me all about you three," she said happily. She turned to Angeal. "You must be Angeal, Zack's mentor."

"Yes," Angeal said taking her hand in a gentle shake. "It's a nice to meet you."

"Same," She said with a smile and then turned to Genesis.

"And you're Genesis?"

"Yes, ma'am," he said taking her hand and kissing it, making Zack role his eyes and Aerith blush.

"And of course, you're Sephiroth," she said as she took his pale hand. He nodded.

"So," Angeal said. "Zack tells me that you managed to grow flowers down here. I'd like to see that."

"Oh, come here, I'll show you. They're really very beautiful. Zack keeps telling me that I should sell them," she said as she led them past the row of pews to the garden she had raised.

"Wow," Angeal said as he surveyed the multitude of flowers. "I'm very impressed. You've got quite a talent."

"Thanks," she said shyly with a soft smirk on her pink lips.

Zack wrapped an arm around Aerith's waist and cast a don't-steal-my-girlfriend look over her head at Angeal.

Sephiroth gazed out at the flowers but didn't see what the big deal was. They were just plants.

Behind him Genesis was smirking like the devil. He took a seat in the first pew. "You must be a very patient woman to put up with all of Zackary's antics."

"What antics?" Aerith asked.

"He didn't tell you any of the stories about his pranks at Shinra?" Genesis asked.

"They're no big deal," Zack cut in. "Just, you know, silly stuff I did when I was younger."

Genesis ignored him however and continued on as Aerith listened with great interest. "Oh he's done a lot of crazy stuff because he can't sit still, that's why we call him puppy."

"Puppy?" Aerith laughed, turning to smile at Zack, who was too busy glaring at Genesis to notice.

"What kind of things?" Aerith asked. "Did you know I met him when he fell through my roof?" She asked, motioning at the broken ceiling.

"Wow, that's one way to meet girls," Angeal said with a laugh.

"Stop teasing me," Zack protested, but good naturedly.

"So what kinds of crazy things has he done?" Aerith asked.

"Oh, all sorts of stuff. The best time was when he lost that bet to Reno," Genesis said.

Angeal tried to hide his smirk.

"Guys," Zack whined.

"Was that the time he and that blonde cadet were dressed as-" Sephiroth began but Zack cut him off.

"Oh my, look at the time," Zack said, looking at his bare wrist. "We're late for the SOLDIER meeting," he said grabbing Genesis' wrist in one hand and Angeal's arm in the other and hauling them down the aisle towards the exit.

"What meeting?" Sephiroth asked in confusion as he followed them. "We do not have a meeting."

"Yes, we do," he said pushing a laughing Genesis against the door.

"It was nice meeting you," Angeal called to Aerith as he and Genesis was pushed outside.

"You too!" Aerith called as her tinkling laughter filled the church. "You should all come back some time and finish telling me that story."

**Lesson Learned:** It is acceptable to fabricate fake meetings to get out embarrassing situations.

**Please review! And thanks to HazzaTL3 for suggesting that Sephiroth be introduced to Aerith. Although, I had already started writing "Girlfriend" before I got that suggestion! Suggestions are always much appreciated!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Hello. Welcome to Chapter 6.**

* * *

><p><strong>Incident: <strong>The Music

"No, I'm not crazy," Genesis insisted as he stepped out of the VR room with Angeal and Sephiroth. "Whenever I fight Sephiroth, I hear this really dramatic music playing."

"Genesis, are you feeling okay?" Angeal asked, looking at his friend in concern.

"What? I'm fine. You don't hear it?" Genesis asked looking back at Angeal with a perplexed expression on his visage.

"No, there was no music," Angeal said.

"I also did not hear any music."

"I'm not crazy," Genesis said again. "And there are people chanting in Latin and they even say your name."

Angeal shot Sephiroth a worried glance. Sephiroth shrugged in response and glanced over at Genesis. When Genesis had first brought this up, he had assumed the auburn was merely kidding, but not he wasn't sure. Genesis seemed quite adamant about this.

"Genesis maybe you're having a problem with your latest mako treatment," Angeal suggested uneasily.

"Fresh blood, pink fairies, peter pan, mac and cheese, Sephiroth," Genesis sang.

"What?" Angeal asked, the color was starting to drain from his face as he cast another worried glance at Genesis.

"I know that's not what they're saying, but that's what it sounds like," Genesis said as if this all made perfect sense.

"Who? What who sounds like?" Angeal asked, glancing between Genesis and Sephiroth with an expression that clearly said 'help me.'

"The people singing his theme song," Genesis said, brandishing a gloved hand accusingly at Sephiroth.

"Okay, Gen, we are going to get you checked out in the infirmary," Angeal said gently but with determination as he placed a hand on his friend's shoulder.

"What? I'm fine," Genesis insisted shrugging off Angeal's hand.

"You're not fine; you're hearing voices for Gaia's sake!" Angeal said he grabbed Genesis by his leather duster and proceeded to drag the protesting Genesis towards the elevator.

"I'm not crazy!" Genesis yelled pushing Angeal away and drawing his sword.

"Genesis," Angeal said in a warning tone as he reached for his own sword, not the Buster sword of course, but the smaller one. "If you're not crazy there is no reason for you to fear getting checked out."

"Are you saying that there is no reason to fear Hojo?" Genesis asked cocking an eyebrow at his friend.

"He has a point," Sephiroth said as an image of Hojo's bird-like face appeared in his mind. He nodded aggreably at Genesis.

"You're not helping," Angeal hissed to Sephiroth.

"See, I am being logical," Genesis said and then he raised his sword defiantly, "_My friend, the fates are cruel. There are no dreams, no honor remains."_

"Genesis-" Angeal started, but he stopped when Genesis charged him. He raised his sword and quickly deflected the Raiper as Genesis danced back and went for another strike, moving like a snake with his quick and graceful blows.

Sephiroth was unsure of what he should do. He summoned Masamune but did not attack.

"Enough. This is madness," Angeal said as his blade clashed against Genesis' again. But Genesis didn't stop.

"Sephiroth, why don't you join us," Genesis called.

Sephiroth hesitated for a moment and then raised his lengthy sword and charged Genesis. Sparks flew as the two blades collided. Angeal stepped back and lowered his blade. He knew that Sephiroth was more than enough for Genesis to handle. He just hopped that Genesis wouldn't use materia and end up setting the whole place on fire.

Spehiroth's powerful blows drove Genesis backwards and kept him on defense. Genesis's brow furrowed in concentration, but he risked a glance at Angeal. "Hear it?" he yelled.

Angeal was about to yell back that there was nothing to hear when he realized that there in fact was some music playing in the background.

"I hear something," Angeal conceded.

"See, I told you I'm not crazy," Genesis called back, lowering his guard slightly, which gave Sephiroth a chance to disarm him, knocking Raiper out of Genesis' hand and through the air, where it finally stopped when it collided with one of the hallway walls and buried itself point first into the wood.

Genesis winced slightly as he rubbed his right hand. "You really heard it right?" Genesis asked Angeal.

"Yes," Angeal said nodding slightly.

"I believe I also hear some strange music," Sephiroth said, looking around the hallway for its.

"I wonder where it's coming from?" Angeal asked as Genesis walked over and yanked the sword out of the wall.

"I think it is coming from that room," Sephiroth said pointing to one of the many doors in the hallway.

"It sounds like rap music," Genesis said. "That's not what I was hearing before."

Then the door was thrown open and a blonde teenager stumbled out looking livid. A terrible sounding screech with a heavy beat was blasting from the room.

"Who did that?" He yelled as he gestured wildly to the sword with frantic motions. "It nearly killed me!"

"Who's the kid?" Genesis asked, raising his voice to be heard over the 'music.'

"I believe that he is Rufus Shinra," Sephiroth explained.

"Shinra?" Genesis repeated and then he suddenly turned and pointed at Sephiroth. "He did it!"

"I'm telling father," the boy announced and then disappeared back inside the room.

"We're in trouble," Angeal noted.

"Yup," Genesis agreed as the door was slammed.

"So was that the music you were hearing earlier?" Angeal asked.

Genesis paused, opened his mouth and then closed it. Then he nodded. "Yup, that was probably it."

"I'm surprised you could hear that from inside the VR room," Sephiroth said, shooting Genesis a questioning look. He had a feeling that Genesis was lying. He glanced over at Angeal who merely shrugged, so Sephiroth decided to let it go.

"I guess I just have better hearing than you two," Genesis said with a hand wave. "Now, let's go get lunch." Genesis took the lead and headed towards the elevator, humming to himself as his two friends followed.

**Lesson Learned:** Trust your friends, even when you think they're crazy.

**Incident: **Drunk Dialing

Sephiroth's eyes flickered open and he sat up, looking around the room in confusion. What had woken him up? He didn't sense anyone in his room. Then his phone let out an obnoxious beeped, signaling that someone was calling him. He plucked it off the nightstand and glanced over at the clock. It was three in the morning. Who would be calling him so late? He figured it must be very important. A glance at the caller ID told him that it was none other than Zackary Fair who was the caller.

"Hello," he said, answering his phone.

"Hi," came Zack's perky voice, although something was off, Sephiroth noted. He wasn't sure exactly what was different, but he was sure that Zack did not sound right.

"Zack why are you calling me at three am?" Sephiroth inquired.

"Whoa! You know my name!"

Spehiroth's brow furrowed. Why was Zack acting so strange? "Yes, I know your name," he said.

"Are you stalking me? Why did you call me?"

"I didn't call you, you called me," Sephiroth explained. He glanced back at the clock and wondered if he could just hang up and go back to bed.

"Oh, did you know that you sound like a guy I know? But can you imagine Spehiroth working at Pizza World, and wearing one of those funny hats that you guys wear?" he giggled. "Those hats are ridiculous."

"No, I cannot imagine myself working at Pizza World," Sephiroth snapped. "I am a SOLDIER. Why would I work in a place like that?"

"But you do!" Zack cried exuberantly from the other end. "But how do you get all that hair under that hat?" He cried. His voice was filled with awe.

"I do not work at Pizza World."

"Do too."

"I do not."

"Then why are you answering their phone?" Zack asked, his voice indicated that this retort had just earned him a major victory.

"Zackary, you called _my_ phone."

"Of course I did. Because I want to order a pizza! I want… I want a large pizza. I want it with lots of cheese and pepperoni and sausage and bacon and those little fish. Fish have funny eyes."

"Zackary, I am going to hang up on you now."

"Wait! Did you get my order?" Zack slurred.

"Yes," Sephiroth said with a sigh as he wound a string of his silver hair around his finger.

"Good. What's it going to cost me?" Zack asked.

"1,000 pushups," Sephiroth grunted.

"Huh?" Zack asked. He sounded completely confused.

"And you'll have to wax my office floor," Sephiroth added.

"Huh?" Zack asked again.

"That will be your punishment for waking me up at 3am," Sephiroth said and then he hung up and went back to bed.

**Lesson Learned: **Never let Zack Fair have alcohol.

* * *

><p><strong>Incident: <strong>Shopping

"Why did you bring him along?" Genesis hissed at Angeal.

"I didn't want to leave him back at the headquarters all alone," Angeal said. "He would have driven that poor blonde cadet mad."

"Your altruistic natured is going to drive_ me_ insane," Genesis huffed.

"Speaking of Zack, where did he go?" Sephiroth asked as he looked around for the Second Class SOLDIER.

"I don't know," Genesis said glancing around. When he became certain that the puppy was indeed gone, he grabbed Angeal's and Sephiroth's arms and proceeded to haul them backwards towards a nearby door which was marked in red as an emergency exit.

"Genesis, we can't just leave him here," Angeal said as he pulled his muscular arm from his friend's grip.

"Oh, yes we can."

"We should not leave our fellow SOLDIERs behind," Sephiroth said, agreeing with Angeal, and making Genesis pout.

"Stop being so dramatic," Genesis chastised Sephiroth.

"This is certainly a case of the pot calling the kettle black," Angeal said giving Genesis a pointed look. However, before Genesis could make any sort of retort there was a loud crash several aisles away.

"I'm going to go out on a limb and assume that that was Zack's fault," Genesis said.

"Let's go get him," Angeal said tiredly as he turned off and headed towards the sound.

They found Zack, dressed in a chocobo costume that was a couple sizes too small for him, sitting on the ground next to a small bike which was knocked over. A nervous employee was standing over Zack. "Sir, I think you are too big to be riding the bikes," he stammered.

"Sorry," Zack said sheepishly rubbing the back of his neck under the fake yellow feathers.

"Excuse me sir," said a red haired woman as she marched towards them. The badge on the front of her shirt dubbed her to be Lacy. She stopped in front of Zack and glared down at him. "Are the individual who has been setting off all the alarm clocks to go off every five minutes?"

"Um," he gulped and then glanced over at Angeal's disapproving features.

"Are you also the person who has been spraying people with the sample perfume?"

"Yea, but-" He started his defense but was cut off.

"Were you the person challenging people to duels with the foam swords from the toy department?"

"Yup, and I won them all too."

"Did you set up a tent in the camping department?"

"Yup, I did the whole thing in two minutes."

"Were you putting boxes of condoms in people's carts when they weren't looking?"

"Yea," he said, failing to hide his grin this time.

"And did you redress all the mannequins?"

"Yes."

"I'm going to have to ask you to leave this store," she said crossing her arms and glaring down at him.

Zack shot his legendary kicked puppy look up at her; however, she didn't even appear fazed by it.

"And take off that costume," she added, tapping one foot against the tile impatiently.

"Alright," he said as he stood up and attempted to yank off the awkward yellow outfit however, it took several minutes for him to successfully untangle himself from the mass of yellow feathers. After he finally got it off, he handed it over to the manager and Angeal escorted him out of the store.

"I can't believe you got us kicked out of the Wall Market," Genesis complained as they exited the store.

"I did not realize you even could get kicked out of there," Sephioth commented.

"Oh, I'm sure Zack can get thrown out of anywhere."

"Sorry," Zack said.

"I swear you are not normal," Genesis said. "And you make an ugly chocobo," he added for good measures.

"Hey, did you know that in the women's section they have size twenty-eight _skinny_ jeans? That's funny," Zack said, brightening suddenly

"Zack, what were you doing in the women's section?" Angeal asked tiredly.

**Lesson Learned: **Never go shopping with Zack.

* * *

><p><strong>Incident:<strong> The Computer Lab

"We're going to need to make an adjustment on everyone's computer, so we're going to take them for a couple days," the technician said to the congregated group of SOLDIERs and Turks. "Until then you'll have to use the computer lab to write reports and do any of your other work."

Lots of whining ensued.

The next day Zack found a print out on his desk entitled "Annoying Things to do in the Computer Lab." He skimmed through the list and then smiled victorious before taking off for the computer lab.

**1. Log on, wait a second, then get a frightened look on your face and scream, "Oh my God, they've found me!" and bolt. **Angeal assumed one of Zack's past girlfriends had finally caught up with him.

**2. If anyone happens to leave their computer unattended while their email is up, send out a mass love letter to everyone on their contacts.  
><strong>Angeal was surprised to get a love letter from Genesis, Sephiroth promptly deleted it and pretended that had never happened, the President deducted Genesis' pay, the female secretaries were beyond thrilled.

**3. When anyone gets up to leave and beg them not to go.  
><strong>Angeal tried to explain to Zack that he was just going to the bathroom and that he would be back, but Zack would not listen to reason – until Angeal offered to bring him back some snacks from the vending machine.

**4. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect your keyboard to your neighbor's computer and disconnect theirs.  
><strong>Genesis was freaked out by the hateful comments regarding _Loveless _that kept appearing on his screen, until he realized that Zack was typing a lot while nothing was appearing on his own monitor.

**5. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.  
><strong>He struggled with the work normally part. And then, while he was under the desk, Reno sat down at his computer.

**6. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.  
><strong>Angeal quickly confiscated it.

**7. Offer terrible technical advice.  
><strong>"So the printer isn't working?" Zack asked as he crocuhed down next to Kunsel.

"Yea, and I've already tried shaking it," Kunsel said. "But that didn't help."

"Did you try soaking it in vinegar?" Zack asked.

"Will that help?" Kunsel asked, turning to Zack with a surprised expression on his face.

"Yea, that's what you're supposed to do to these old printers."

**8. Change the auto-correct feature so common words are automatically changed to misspelled versions.  
><strong>"Angeal," Spehiroth said as he looked up from the other man's report. "You do know that soldier is spelled S-O-L-D-I-E-R and not S-O-I-L-D-E-R, correct? Also, you frequently used the word 'turtle,' when I believe you meant 'the.'"

**9. Turn the brightness on the monitor way down. Pull out a flashlight and shine it on the screen. Act as if it helps you see the text on the screen.  
><strong>"He's just not that bright," Genesis explained to a confused office worker.

**10. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.  
><strong>Reno went and got his own straw and they started a competition. Zack won.

**11. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have some fun.  
><strong>Genesis left, brought back Rapier and then had some fun.

**12. Take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them, and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.  
><strong>The glorious Zack Fair does not get split ends so he tried to cut some of Sephiroth's hair. That turned out not to be such a good idea.

**13. Tape a picture of a coworker on top of your computer monitor and loudly proclaim that it is your muse and greatest inspiration.  
><strong>Genesis was unnerved, to say the least, by the picture of him on Zack's monitor. But when Zack switched the picture to the one of Genesis cross-dressing, all hell broke loose.

**14. Assign a musical note to every key (ex. the delete key is A flat). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.  
><strong>Kunsel sang along and it turned out to be one of Zack's more productive days.

**15. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?" unplugging the keyboard, and taking it.  
><strong>Angeal did mind. He ended up chasing Zack down and giving him a lecture about stealing and honor.**  
><strong>

**16. Abuse your access to the printer.  
><strong>Zack made 100 colored print outs of Genesis in a dress and taped them up around the building. Unfortunately, few people realized that the "woman" was Genesis. Next time he would have to label them.

**17. Steal the letter "E" off everyone's keyboard.  
><strong>It was a less than productive day in the lab.

**18. Stare at the screen of the person next to you, look really puzzled, burst out laughing and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.  
><strong>Reno didn't understand why his porn was so funny.

**19. Point at the screen. Chant in a made-up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRR!" Peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.  
><strong>Angeal nearly had a heart attack when Zack yelled for cover. Sephiroth on the other hand, didn't even bother moving.**  
><strong>

**20. Come into the computer lab wearing flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor and then walk out.  
><strong>Sephiroth was willing to ignore the other behavior but he did not appreciate the hug. Everyone else clapped as Zack walked out.

**21. Open up Word and type strange cryptic messages. Show them to everyone and insist that the computer typed them itself.  
><strong>Angeal dragged Zack back to the infirmary for another checkup. **  
><strong>

**22. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!", then calmly sit down and begin to type.  
><strong>By this point everyone had learned to ignore him.

**Lesson Learned:** When things become weird, Zack Fair is usually to blame.

* * *

><p><strong>Note: I did not create the "Annoying Thing to do in a Computer Lab" list. I found it online, except for numbers 2, 3, 4, 7, 8, 11, 13, 16, 17, and 21, which I did think up myself. Yay me!<strong>

**Also, many thanks to everyone who reviewed last chapter. Also, thanks to HazzaTL3 for the idea of Zack drunk dialing and Nanakichan for the shopping suggestion.**

**Blah. This took me awhile to update, but on the plus side, thanks to all the suggestions, I already have the next chapter planned out. Oh my goodness, we just had an earthquake as I was finishing this! Ahhh!**

**PLEASE REVIEW!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7! **

**Hey! Look! I updated!**

**I'm so sorry for the long wait. College started and I am so busy now. But more importantly I was uninspired. However, today I went to a cross country meet and it inspired me! Yay cross country! But on that note, this chapter was quickly thrown together, so I apologize for any errors. I hope you enjoy it. **

**Incident: **Death and Money

Angeal was having one of those rare productive days. No one was bothering him and he was enjoying the quiet peace of his office, with only his plants for company. He had also managed to finally catch up on the paperwork, which he had fallen behind on when Zack had decided to reorganize his filing cabinet for him.

However, his peace was suddenly shattered as the door was thrown open and a pale faced Zack vaulted into the room.

"Angeal!" He practically screamed as he danced in place with nervous energy. "Hide me!"

Angeal shot a glance upwards at the ceiling as he asked whoever was listening for some patience. "What did you do this time?"

"I'll explain later, right now, you've just got to hide me. This isn't a joke. This is a life or death situation! My life is in great peril!"

"Did you upset Sephiroth's fan club again? Zack, I've already told you to stay away from them. Stop telling them that Cloud could take Sephiroth in a fight. That could never happen and the fan girls will rip him to shreds."

"No, not the fan club," Zack yelped. "Worse!"

For a moment Angeal was stumped, he had trouble thinking of anything more terrifying than Sephiroth's devoted fanatics. "The Turks?" He asked, although he didn't think they were more terrifying than those fangirls.

"No, the Turks aren't worse than those fan girls," Zack declared as he waved his hands frantically. "_Genesis_ is going to kill murder me!"

"Genesis is not more terrifying than those fangirls," Angeal argued.

"He's going to kill me! I'm going to die a terribly painful death, set on fire and dismembered."

"He's not going-" Angeal started but Zack cut him off with a cry.

"I ruined his limited edition antique copy of _Loveless_!"

"You did what?" Angeal sputtered. "He's going to kill you!"

"Hide me!" Zack begged, dropping to his knees, clasping his hands together, and peering up at Angeal with the biggest puppy eyes he could muster. "Please."

"Okay," Angeal said as he assessed the direness of the situation. "First, we need to get you out of this room. My office will probably be one of the first places he looks," Angeal said, thinking logically.

Then there was a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" Angeal called as Zack dove under Angeal's desk and quickly squished his large frame so that he was completely hidden.

"Me," Came Genesis' voice as the door was pushed open and he sauntered into the room.

"Hi," Angeal said as he pushed the chair back away from the desk to give Zack a little more space. He could swear he could almost hear Zack whimpering as Genesis took a step closer.

"You would not believe what just happened," Genesis said as he crossed his arms and shot a death glare at the nearby plants, as if they were the cause for all his misery.

"Zack ruined your ultra-rare cop of _Loveless_," Angeal said calmly.

Genesis looked shocked for a moment, but quickly recovered. "He's been here," he accused as he looked at Angeal through narrow eyes.

"Yea, he rushed in, whined about how you were going to kill him, and left," Angeal said motioning towards the door to make sure Genesis understood the last part.

"I see," Genesis said. His eyes flickered towards the door. "And I don't suppose you know where he went, do you?"

"No clue," Angeal said.

"Well could you do me a favor then?" Genesis asked with a dark smile.

"I'm not going to kill you for him," Angeal said, which made Genesis chuckle and shake his head.

"No, I just want you to tell him that he owes me another copy of _Loveless_. An original limited edition copy," he added.

"Alright, I'll pass that message along," Angeal said.

"Thanks, Angeal," Genesis said and then with a flourish he turned and strolled out of the room. When the door slid shut behind him Zack crawled out from under the desk.

"I'm going to live!" He cried as he stood up and waved his arms exuberantly and spun in a circle.

"Zack," Angeal said in a serious tone, cutting off the younger man's happy dance.

"What?" Zack asked as he froze.

"Do you have any idea how much Genesis paid for that edition of _Loveless_?

"Like 1,000 Gil?"

Angeal shook his head. "More. A lot more."

What? But it's a book," Zack whined. "It can't be more than 10,000 Gil, right?"

"Try 1,200,000 Gil," Angeal said.

"What?" Zack gasped and then he collapsed onto the floor.

**Lesson Learned: **Don't mess with _Loveless. _

**Incident:** Prank

Genesis and Sephiroth were discussing an upcoming mission when Zack skipped up to them.

"Hey, Sephiroth," Zack greeted him with a big smile. "You should do your impression Genesis. It's hilarious."

"What?" Genesis practically screamed, anger burning in his eyes as he rounded on Sephiroth who was staring at Zack, wide-eyed in utter confusion.

"I believe you are mistaken. I've never done an impression of Genesis," Sephiroth said carefully with confusion evident in his voice. He didn't understand why Zack would say that. Was Zack simply confused, or was there a more sinister motive backing that comment?

"Oh, don't be modest," Zack chastised with a devious twinkle in his eyes. "You had everyone roaring with laughter the other day."

"What?" Genesis gasped as Zack skipped away, leaving Sephiroth to deal with an irate Genesis armed with fire materia.

**Lesson Learned: **Never trust Zack Fair.

**Incident:** The Fifteen Mile Run

"Why do we have to run this?" Kunsel grumbled as he struggled to keep pace with Zack.

"I don't like running," Zack added. "I'd rather be practicing in the VR room or out there fighting the bad guys."

"You need to be in peak physical strength to be a great soldier," Genesis said mockingly as he repeated Angeal's words. "And running is an excellent work out."

"But we already ran ten miles yesterday," Zack complained.

"Maybe if you complained less you'd have more energy to run," Genesis suggested.

"I'm hungry," Zack said patting his stomach.

"Me too!" Kunsel added. "I didn't have breakfast."

"I had breakfast, but I'm still hungry," Zack whined. "And this is so boring. Why don't Angeal and Sephiroth have to do this?"

"Will you two stop complaining?" Genesis asked tiredly. "I don't want to be out here either. Angeal is on a mission and Sephiroth is at a meeting."

There was silence among their little group for a moment, the only sounds was the slap of their shoes on the cement. Then Kunsel spoke up. "You know, as long as we're gone for the right amount of time, they'll never know if we actually ran or not."

"Angeal would have our necks if he found out," Zack said.

"He'd give us _the lecture_," Genesis added.

"Oh, yes. Honor, pride, donuts, etc."

"I don't think "donuts" is normally part of his lecture," Kunsel said.

"No," Zack said as he brightened up. The look on his face indicated that he had just had an idea. Genesis nervously waited for his next words. "But there is a donut shop on the next street, and we could make a quick stop there and you know eat donuts and chill."

"I like your way of thinking!" Kunsel said enthusiastically as he cast a hopeful look at Genesis, whose face was unreadable.

"We just have to make sure Angeal doesn't find out. He'd kill me," Zack said.

"He's miles away, we'll be fine," Kunsel assured him, glancing up at Genesis for his approval.

"Alright," Genesis said after a moment of deliberation. Zack let out a yip of excitement as they turned down the next street approaching the donut shop.

They got their food and then sat down at a table near the back. Zack scarfed down a dozen donuts as Genesis watched him over the rim of his coffee cup with a look of mild disgust on his visage.

"Zackary, please closed your mouth when you chew."

"Huh?" Zack asked, shooting him a confused open mouth look. Before Genesis could chastise him further, Kunsel let out a yell.

"Guys!" he cried, waving a finger furiously at the window. The other two SOLDIERs turned and gasped as their eyes fell on the people standing just outside the shop. It was Sephiroth and the Director Lazard.

"Hide!" Zack yelled, grabbing Genesis and Kunsel and hauling them after him into the bathroom and out of sight.

"Did he see us? Kunsel gasped as he landed on the dirty tile floor. Behind him the wooden door swung close.

"Why would they come to a place like this?" Genesis hissed as he brushed himself off.

Then the door swung open and a women took a stepped inside. She froze as she spotted them sprawled on the floor.

"Perverts!" She yelled as she turned and dashed out of the bathroom.

"You dragged us into the women's bathroom?" Genesis hissed, grabbing Zack by the collar of his shirt.

"I didn't have time to look. Sephiroth nearly saw us!" Zack protested.

"Guys, now is not the time to fight. It's the time to run before Sephiroth comes in here and kills us," Kunsel cried. Genesis released Zack and then rolled to his feet. Zack quickly followed him. Then the door was pushed open and then the trio darted out.

"This way!" Kunsel called as he darted out a side door labeled emergency exit. Genesis and Zack followed him at a blind dash.

"Goddess, I hope he didn't see us," Zack panted as they ran down the street, blowing by startled pedestrians.

"How could he not have seen us?" Genesis asked. "We weren't exactly subtle thanks to you, Fair."

"Maybe he never entered the shop," Zack panted. "Did he enter the shop?"

"I was too busy preoccupied with sprinting for my life to notice," Kunsel said.

"We'll know as soon as we get back," Genesis said darkly, fearing the worst.

Zack gulped.

When they finished the loop and returned to the base, neither Sephiroth nor Lazard said anything to them about the incident. They didn't even mention their stop outside the donut shop.

"We're saved!" Zack hissed in Kunsel's ear. "They didn't notice."

However, when the next day came they each got a message on their phone to meet on the training field at six in the morning.

There, they found some cones set up across the field as well as two folding chairs. One of which was occupied by Sephiroth and the other by Lazard.

"Since you decided to have some fun yesterday instead of doing what you were supposed to be doing," Lazard began and the three noticeably paled, "we decided to give you another workout. You're going to run suicides until we finish off this bag of donuts," Lazard said holding up a large paper bag filled to the brim with the wondrous smelling fried dough. He smiled evilly at them. "This might take a while, since there are a lot of donuts in here." Next to him Sephiroth gave an uncharacteristic smirk as he took a bite out of a chocolate frosted donut and slowly began to chew it.

The three SOLDIERs stared at the duo with open mouth expressions of shock.

"What are you waiting around for?" Sephiroth asked. "You should start running."

**Lesson:** Never annoy Lazard.

**Incident: **The Elevator Returns

**1. Take your shoes off before entering. Act shocked and disgusted when the others don't.**

Eventually Sephiroth gave in and removed his boots, only for Zack to run off with them.

**2. Place potted plants at strategic locations in the lift. When people ask what you are doing, tell them you "won't ride an elevator that's not feng shui."**

The secretaries thought he was very in tune with his artistic and spiritual side. Angeal wondered where all his plants went.

**3. Hold an auction selling things that are not yours. **

"Okay, next up, is Sephiroth's right boot. Let's start with 200 gil," Zack said, waving said boot victoriously.

"How did you even get those?" Angeal asked as Reno raised his hand.

"I'll give you 300 gil!" Reno shouted.

**4. Stroke your chin and ask other passengers to tell you about their mothers. **

It turned out that Cloud had a sob story.

**5. Any time someone enters the doors, recoil in horror.**

Cloud wasn't sure why Zack was suddenly terrified of him, but he had to admit that it was a nice change.

**6. Enter the elevator with nothing on your head. Eventually, ask everyone if they like your hat.**

"It's as spiky and weird as always," Genesis affirmed.

"That's not my hat, that's my hair. And it's all natural," Zack said, poking one of his black spikes.

"Sure it is," Genesis said with a smirk.

**7. Every time the elevator goes down, loudly scream "OH MY GOD! We're all gonna die! This is it! This is it! It's over! IT'S OVER!" Look relieved when it stops moving. When you begin to drop again, repeat.**

Sephiroth eyed Zack with confusion. He'd seen Zack face down some of the most powerful beasts without batting an eye, but the elevator seemed to have him suddenly scared silly. He would never understand that boy.

**8. Every time someone else talks, angrily shout: "Some people are trying to sleep here!"**

Unfortunately, no one was talking so Zack had to do that part too.

**9. Throw a rave.**

Letting Rufus pick the music was a mistake.

**10. Have a heated debate with yourself.**

Zack found himself heading to the infirmary as soon as Angeal stepped onto the lift

**11. Whenever anyone tries to get off, give a dramatic speech begging them not to leave you. Act as if they're breaking up with you. **

"Sephiroth, how can you leave me like this? Are you really just going to leave me here in this cold box? I thought we had something. You can't leave me. I need you! Please don't go!"

And that's how the rumor regarding a romance between Zack and Sephiroth started.

**12. Ask every passenger coming on if you can borrow a tampon. Especially effective if victim is male. Even more effective if you yourself are male.**

Angeal dragged him back down to the infirmary, although he cared less about Zack getting checked out and more about getting Zack out of the public eye for a few hours.

**13) Congratulate everyone for being in the same lift with you.**

Cloud wasn't sure what he had done right, but he didn't mind the praise.

**14) Set out a picnic on the floor and suggest that the other passengers to join you for afternoon tea.**

Reno stole all his food.

**15) Upon entering, ask the passengers "Will you be my friend?" Burst into tears if they say no.**

And that's how Zack and Cissnei became friends.

**Lesson Learned:** Always take the stairs.

**Please review!**

**Oh! And I was thinking of having a future chapter consist of different incidents where the SOLDIERs and Turks pull pranks on each other. So, first, do you think that is a good idea? And if you do, please suggestion a prank! Thanks!**


	8. Chapter 8

**Observations, Chapter 8, Baby! A special thanks to all the wonderful readers who took the time to review! I can't believe I'm up 60 reviews! This is so exciting. Ahem, anyway, on with the show…**

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><p><strong>Incident:<strong> The Prank Fest

**1. Put clear hard candy in Sephiroth's shower nozzle and super glue in his shampoo. The candy melts in the hot water and the glue makes everything else stick.**

"I can't believe Sephiroth's late," Genesis said as he propped his feet up on the conference table. "He's never late. I thought he was perfect in every way."

"I'm sure he'll be here soon," Angeal said as he glanced at the clock above the door.

"Genesis, this is a professional environment, keep your shoes on the floor," Lazard snapped.

Genesis cast him a smirk and then slowly moved his legs off the table.

Then the door sprang opened and Sephiroth entered the room. Genesis was about to comment on his lacking punctuality but the words froze in his mouth. Lazard turned to greet the General but found his mouth suddenly too dry to speak. Angeal tried in vain not to stare while Zack gaped openly.

The dead silence continued as Sephiroth stepped into the room and strode over to his seat between Genesis and Lazard. The room was so quiet that they could all hear the sound of his leather jacket crinkle as he sat down.

Lazard was the first to regain his voice, "Well," he said awkwardly as he stared straight ahead at Zack whose jaw was still resting on the floor. "Well, now that we are all here, we can start the meeting. Um, first we need to, well," he stammered before he was finally cut off but Genesis.

"What happened to your hair!" Genesis practically screamed.

"Genesis," Angeal hissed, in his standard, 'shut up and mind your manners' tone.

"Are you trying to make deadlocks? Because I think you might have too much hair for that," Zack rationalized as he stared at the mess of tangled, clumps of hair tumbling from Sephiroth's head.

Sephiroth glared back at him. "I am not going for such a trashy look. It seems that _someone_ put soap in my shampoo and something else in my showerhead."

Genesis, Lazard, and Angeal all turned to face Zack who immediately raised his hands innocently in the air. "It wasn't me, I swear!"

"Who else would so something like that?" Angeal asked, still staring suspiciously at his student.

"I don't know," Zack said thinking quickly. "Reno?"

"Blasted Turk," Genesis muttered. "But at least it wasn't Nair," he added with a snicker.

"Don't worry Sephiroth," Zack said, "We'll get back at them for you."

**2. Call your victim on his cell phone when he's out of the office. Then on another line, call his office phone. Then hang up and let him listen to his answering machine.**

"No, guys, I swear. It really did happen," Reno said. "My answering machine called me!"

"Lay off the beer Reno," Cissnei advised.

"No, I'm tell you it happened. My answering machine called me. It wanted me to leave a message!"

"I think you need serious help," Cissnei said as she took another sip of her coffee. This was going to be a long day.

**3. Prank Phone Call**- "Is Your Refrigerator Running?"

Sephiroth's eyes flickered open and he was immediately completely alert. A soft beeping sound was coming from the night table situated next to his bed. He glanced at the clock as he reached for the phone. 4:00 am. This was either really important, or Zack was drunk again. He looked at the ID, but it was an unknown number. He had a sinking feeling that it was going to be Zack. Still, he felt obliged to answer, it could be important. He flipped open the phone and pressed it to his ear.

"General Sephiroth speaking, what is so important that you need to call me at such an hour?"

There was a long pause of the other end of the line, and Sephiroth was about to flip the phone shut when he heard a somewhat familiar voice. "Sir, I'm just calling to know if your refrigerator is running." If the voice hadn't sounded so polite he would have sworn that it was Reno.

Sephiroth arched a silver eye brow. Why was that important? Who cared at the refrigerator at four in the morning? Sephiroth certainly didn't.

"I don't possess a refrigerator," Sephiroth answered smoothly.

"You'd better go catch it," the voice, he was sure it was Reno now, said through a fit of laughter and then he abruptly hung up.

Sephiroth stared at the phone for a moment, having no idea what just happened. He decided it was probably a Turk thing and he turned his phone off and went promptly back to bed.

**4. Change the coffee in the coffee machine to decaf for a week and when everyone is over their caffeine addiction, change it to espresso.**

"Goddess," Zack said as he bounced in place next to Angeal. "I feel so good! I feel like I could- oh my goodness it's Genesis. Hi!" Zack launched himself at Genesis and pulling the startled man into a hug.

"Get off me," Genesis said, struggling under the other man's embrace.

"Zack, what is wrong with you today?" Angeal asked.

"Aw, Angeal man, I love you too," Zack said pulling away from Genesis and latching onto Angeal.

"Zack, I think you've had too much sugar," Angeal said as he pushed the smaller man off.

"Naw, I didn't put that much sugar in my coffee. Ah, it's a Chocobo," he said pointing widely down the hallway, the two other SOLDIERS turned to look, wondering why a Chocobo would be inside the headquarters. However, there was no Chocobo, just small cadet."

"Cloud, run for your life!" Angeal called, but it was too late for the cadet and he was glomped by Zack. "Think Reno spiked the coffee?" Angeal asked with a sigh as he watched Cloud struggle with Zack.

"I don't know, but if he did, I'm going to go get some," Genesis said with a sigh. "I have a feeling I'm going to need some."

"Get me some too," Angeal said as Genesis strode off towards the mess hall while Zack's voice echoed down the hallway.

"Oh! Sephy! Can I braid your hair?"

**5.**** Call a bunch of port-a-potty rentals and leave messages saying you're interested in renting one. Ask that they call you back ASAP the next morning at the following number. Then give them your victim's number.**

"Hello, sir, this is Honey Pots, I'm responding to the call you left about wanting to rent a Honey Pot."

"What's a Honey Pot?" Cissnei asked in confusion into the phone as she twirled a lock of hair around her finger.

"Oh sorry, that's our brand name. We rent out port-a-potties."

"What? You call your port-a-potties honey pots? That is disgusting! I'll never be able to look at honey the same way again!"

"Um, sorry… ma'am," the man on the other end said awkwardly.

"And why would I want a port-a-john?" Cissnei asked into her cell phone.

"Um, we got a call last night saying that you wanted one and to call you back at this number."

"Well, I think they gave you the wrong number."

"I guess so, sorry to both you, ma'am," the other said and then he quickly hung up.

Cissnei was in the process of pocketing her cell phone when it rang again. "Hello?" She said, answering it.

"Hello, this is Sam from Ralph's Port-a-Johns and we we're call-" he was abruptly cut off by Cissnei's scream.

**6. When your victim leaves their car keys unattended, borrow them and then change all the preset radio stations to country music stations. When the victim changes them back, repeat the process. **

Rude was fairly certain either his car was possessed, or at least had an affinity for country. Either way, it was terrifying.

**7. If your boss ever uses a speaker phone for a meeting, abuse the fact that he can't actually see what's going on. **

Shinra sat at his desk playing solitaire. Coming from his speaker phone was the dull voices of Lazard, Sephiroth, Tseng, and the others. He wasn't really paying attention to it at all. He didn't care much what they said, because he would do what he wanted regardless of their naïve opinions. However, a yelp manage to make him sit up and listen. What was going on down there?

"Oh my God!" someone screamed. "Genesis what are you doing? That is inappropriate, stop touching me! This is sexual harassment. I am very uncomfortable right now!"

Shinra wondered what the neck was going on. He vaguely recognized the voice as one of those obnoxious Turks. He had a weird name, like Redo or something. Great, he thought. Now he was going to have to personally go down there and talk to that Genesis character (who he always thought he was a little overly flamboyant) since he didn't want to be charged with sexual harassment. Oh, the paper work that would cause! He got to his feet and stormed out of the office as the speakers kept echoing with the Turk's indignant voice.

"What the heck are you talking about?" Genesis finally managed to cut in. "I'm not even sitting near you."

"Sorry, SOLDIER boy, I was just seeing if Shinra was listening and I guess he's not. Lucky for you," Reno said with a smirk. Then Genesis' cell phone sent off.

"I'm going to murder you very, very slowly," Genesis hissed as he looked at the caller ID.

**8. Steal the phone of your intended victim's boss. Send him on strange errands. **

Tseng's door was pushed open and Rude entered carrying a bag. "Here is the stuff you asked for, sir," he said awkwardly, setting the bag down on the desk.

"Thanks," Tseng said and he was about to turned back to his computer when he realized that he hadn't asked Rude to get him anything. "Wait," he called out, but Rude had already stepped out of the office.

He sighed and stood up and opened the bag, wondering what kind of stuff was in here. It better not be more paperwork, he had enough work to do already. He pulled out the box on the top and then froze. Tampons. Why had Rude given him a bunch of tampons? What this some kind of perverted joke? He reached for the next couple items, there was a pregnancy tester and a plastic toy dinosaur. What the heck? The next item was a _Pretty in Pink_ DVD. He paused and then dumped the entire bag in the trashcan.

Why couldn't work ever be normal?

**Lesson Learned: **Expect the unexpected.

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><p><strong>Incident:<strong> The Match

Angeal pushed open the door to one of the training rooms and was surprised to see Zack, Kunsel, and Cloud sitting on the floor munching on popcorn.

"Zack," Angeal asked. "What are you doing?"

"Watching the show," Zack said.

"Huh?" Angeal asked and then a fireball shot right by his head. He jumped out of the way and turned to look out across the practice field. Genesis and Sephiroth were fighting, and from the looks of it, Genesis wasn't doing too well.

"We're watching Genesis get his butt kicked," Kunsel added through a mouth full of popcorn.

"I am not getting my butt kicked!" Genesis screamed as he narrowly blocked Masume with his own sword.

"He so is," Kunsel said.

"You realize that when this is over, he's going to kill you, right?" Angeal asked.

"No, that's the brilliance of it," Zack said. "He'll be too tired to kill us."

"I hope so," Cloud muttered glancing between the SOLDIERS nervously before quickly stuffing another handful of popcorn in his mouth.

"Aw, don't worry, I'll protect you," Zack said, putting his arm tightly around the uneasy blonde.

"Don't strangle him," Angeal advised.

"You don't even have your sword," Cloud said.

"Hey, I don't need my sword to protect you," Zack said confidentially. "I could defeat Genesis even without a sword. Heck, I could defeat him just using an umbrella and my good looks."

"Oh, look at that brilliant combo attack," Kunsel suddenly said, giving his best impression of an announcer. "And Sephiroth doesn't even appear tired."

"No, but Genesis isn't looking too hot. That last block was pretty slow," Zack said, loudly joining the commentary. "He's going to get his head chopped off at this rate."

"This is not a wrestling match!" Genesis screamed as he dodged another attack.

"Yea, I'm not sure how long the Crimson Commander will last at this rate," Kunsel said. "Oh, did you see that hit? That must of hurt."

"Yes, I'm sure it did!" Zack added. "If only we could watch it on instant replay."

"Oh my goodness! Did you see that brilliant attack by Sephiroth? He slipped under Genesis' guard and disarmed him in one motion. That match is over and Sephiroth is the victor!"

"He sure made that look easy," Zack announces with a grin.

"Yes, Sephiroth is way out of his league," Kunsel agreed.

"Guys," Angeal said eyeing Genesis closely for any signs that he was going to set the base on fire.

"What?" Zack asked as he crammed more popcorn into his mouth.

"You should probably start running."

"Naw, he's much too tired to chase us now," Zack said confidently through a mouthful of half chewed popcorn.

"Zack, what materia is that?" Cloud asked, tugging on his older friend's sleeve as he motioned at Genesis.

"Huh?" Zack asked, turning to face Genesis who was holding up some sort of material.

"Is that… summon materia?" Kunsel asked as the color drained from his face.

"Run for it, Cloudy!" Zack yelled grabbing Cloud and scurrying out of the room with Kunsel on his tail.

As the door slammed close loudly behind them, Genesis let out a sigh and pocketed the material. "I wouldn't have actually done it," Genesis said as he glared at Angeal. "But I am going to kill them later."

Sephiroth strode to where he had knocked Genesis's sword. Wordlessly he picked it up and offered it to Genesis. Genesis snatched it from his hands and began to stalk out of the room when Sephiroth called his name.

"What?" Genesis asked, turning to glare at him through auburn locks.

"I think you are a worthy opponent," Sephiroth said.

Genesis looked surprised for a moment and then he smirked warmly, yet somewhat devilishly at his comrade. "Of course I am. I'll defeat you someday and then I'll be the hero, so watch out, Sephiroth." Then he turned and walked out.

**Lesson Learned: **Some things should be said out loud, other things should not.

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><p><strong>Yay! Look how quickly I updated! Go me! Alright, let's see. Some credit goes to Do a Barrel Role and underhandilies and LadyOfWinds for their prank suggestions that I used in this chapter. Also, it should be noted that a lot of people have suggested things a while ago that I haven't used yet, but that does not mean that I'm not going to use it! I keep a list of all your wonderful suggestions in a word document for inspiration. So, "old" suggestions will still keep popping up.<br>****In addition, I should be updating my other story soon. So, if anyone cares about that, they should know that I have not given up on it. And finally…**

**Please review!**


	9. Chapter 9

**THE OBSERVATIONS PART NINE! OH YEA!**

**LOOK HOW QUICKLY I UPDATED! (I updated really quickly.) A big thanks to everyone who reviewed the last chapter!**

**Incident:** A Tale of Fangirls

Reno was walking down the hallway when without warning, Angeal shot past, moving so fast that he was practically a blur.

"Geeze, what's got him a rush, nearly mowed me over," Reno muttered to himself as he turned around the corner and two blurs, one red and the other black and silver, shot by, nearly running into him in their haste.

"Watch where you're going, morons!" He called after them, but they were already out of sight. "Stupid SOLDIERs," he muttered to himself as he wondered what had the SOLDIERs rushing around like that. It probably had something to do with Fair he decided with a smirk.

Then he heard high-pitched screams echo down the hallway. But it was not the terrified screaming he expected, instead it sounded like the high pitch squeals of excited teenage girls. What the heck?

Then they too raced around the corner. They were in no way moving at the speed of the SOLDIERs but their sheer numbers made them just as terrifying. He was shoved into the wall as the squealing herd of girls raced past. He felt like he was caught in a stampede of wild chocobos. Then they were gone as suddenly as they appeared, save for a straggler who was dressed in a long red coat.

Fangirls.

"Why don't I have any fangirls?" he asked regretfully as he watched the last one run off. How she was running in those heels he would never know. All he knew is that if he had fangirls he wouldn't run from them. No, he'd treat them right. He smirked mischievously.

**-HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOI'M A LINE BREAK—**

"They're not giving up," Genesis panted.

"They are resilient," Sephiroth agreed as they raced down another corridor.

"Genesis! Seph! Hurry, this way!" Angeal called and the other two SOLDIERs slammed to a stop and looked for the sound of the other's voice.

"Here!" Angeal said sticking his head out of the doors that lead to the stairwell. The other two quickly dove in after him.

"Think we'll ever lose them?" Genesis asked as they jogged down the steps.

"Those girls are more in shape than I though and they managed to get past security. Maybe we should recruit them and take some time off," Angeal joked.

"But then we'd have to work with them," Genesis said with ample disgust.

"Why are they chasing us?" Sephiroth inquired.

"I don't know. They probably want a lock of your hair or something," Genesis said, giving a teasing tug on the silver hair

Sephiroth looked horrified and he reached up and freed his perfectly kept silver hair from his friend's grip.

"This way! They're down here!" came a girl's voice, echoing down the stair well.

"Party's over. They found us. Let's mosey," Angeal said.

"Please tell me you did not just say _mosey_," Genesis said. "You've clearly spent too much time around that mutt."

Angeal just smirked, and picked up the pace in response. "Maybe we should just face them," Angeal finally suggested as they begin to run out of stairs.

"No. No. No," Genesis panted. "That is a terrible idea."

"But how else will we get them to leave?"

Genesis' eyes suddenly sparkled with a sudden plan. "We'll have to give them something so adorable that they'll stop chasing us."

"Like what, I don't think giving them a puppy would-" Angeal said but then he cut himself off. "You're not thinking of using Zack are you?"

"No. No, we need something much cuter… and blonde," Genesis said smiling wickedly.

"Are you speaking of that cadet that is often dragged around by Zackary?" Sephiroth asked.

"Genesis, you can't just sacrifice him to the sharks to save yourself," Angeal chastised.

"Oh come on, he'll like the attention. He never gets any," Genesis reasoned.

"They'll tear him apart."

"It does sound like a good strategy," Sephiroth said as he thought of the danger his hair was in.

"Two against one! We win, Angeal," Genesis teased. "Now let's find us a chocobo!"

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

Cloud was having a reasonably nice day. Lunch, despite smelling like rotten milk, had been surprisingly good for cafeteria food. He had won his sparring match and he no one had called him a Chocobo today.

His third period training class was going well until the door was pushed open and an oddly ruffled Genesis and Sephiroth entered followed by a scowling Angeal who glared disapprovingly at the backs of other two SOLDIERs' heads.

The class instantly fell silent as everyone turned around to gape at the three legendary SOLDIERs. Then as their brains started to begin to function again they all leapt to their feet and quickly saluted.

"At ease," Genesis called as he stepped forward. "Sorry to interrupt your class," he said nodding at the instructor who quickly stuttered that it was no problem. "But we need to borrow Cloud Strife; he is in this class is he not?"

"Um, yes he is," the instructor said motioning to Cloud who suddenly wished the floor would open up and swallow him as everyone tore their eyes away from the three SOLDIERs for a second in order to stare at him. Blushing furiously, he staggered forward. "Um, if this is about something Zack did, I haven't even seen him today," Cloud stammered staring at his boots.

He could have sworn that the Crimson Commander hissed something to Sephiroth about him being adorable, but he decided he must have misheard something.

"No, this has nothing to do with Fair," Genesis said with a chuckle. "We just need your help with something." Cloud, and the rest of the room, wondered how a runt like him could possibly help the SOLDIERs with but they all remained silent.

Sensing that Cloud was frozen, Genesis reached out and grabbed the cadet by the elbow and hauled him out the room, calling out to the instructor, "We'll bring him back. Maybe." This comment earned him a slam on the back of the head by Angeal, but that only made the red head burst out laughing.

Cloud found himself halfway down the hallway before he got over his shock and was able to use his tongue. "Um, what am I supposed to help you with?" He squeaked.

"Fangirls," Genesis said with a smirk and then dragged Cloud forward and then suddenly Cloud found himself being pushed through a door. He quickly spun around but the door had already when pulled shut.

"What's going on?" He yelled through the door. There was no answer, so he tugged on the handles, but the door was locked. Then he heard a sound behind him and he turned and found two dozen girls rushing down the hallway towards him.

"Who is he? He's so cute!" Someone screamed.

"Look at his hair!" Another squealed.

"He's adorable!" one of the girls announced as she whipped out her camera.

"OPEN THE DOOR! HELP ME!" Cloud screamed, pounding on the door as he was suddenly glomped by a dozen girls.

On the other side of the door Genesis was giving himself a pat on the back for a job well done as Sephiroth fixed his silver hair.

**Lesson:** Sometimes sacrifices must be made.

**Incident:** If you say gullible slowly it sounds like elephant

"Zack, what are you doing?" Angeal asked as he watched his student.

"Texting," Zack said as he looked up from his phone.

"And you're doing it while upside down on the safety matt because?" Angeal inquired.

"Well, you get better service if you're upside down on this matt over here."

"So, let me get this straight," Angeal said. "You being upside-down on that mat makes the phone get better reception?"

"Yup."

"And by any chance, did Genesis tell you this?"

"Nope, Cloud."

"Really?"

"Yup. He also said that gullible isn't in the dictionary but I looked it up and it is. Proved him wrong!" Zack laughed as Angeal slapped his own forehead.

**Lesson Learned**: Gullible is in fact, in the dictionary.

**Incident**: A Cooking Catastrophe

"I miss my mother's pies," Angeal said suddenly as he stared down glumly at the plate in front of him.

"Hmm," Genesis hummed in agreement as he took a bite out of his apple.

"Is your mother's cooking superior to that of the cooks in the cafeteria?" Sephiroth inquired, causing Genesis to break out into a coughing fit as he nearly choked on his apple.

"Of course it is," Angeal said. "My mom is a great cook."

"Made the best pies," Genesis choked out as Angeal reached over to slap him on the back.

"And the cafeteria food sucks," Zack added helpfully.

"Why is it better?" Sephiroth asked. "Are the cooks hired by Shinra not professionals?"

"Home cooked meals are just always better," Angeal said with a shrug. "I guess it's because when you make your own food you really cares how it turns out, while the cafeteria works don't."

"Hmm," Sephiroth said as he mused over that concept.

"You haven't noticed that home cooked meals are better?" Genesis asked.

"Well, whenever Angeal makes dinner for us I have noticed that it was superior to that of the cafeteria," Sephiroth admitted. "But I hadn't really thought about it."

"I know! I should make you the best meal my mom used to make!" Zack said excitedly.

Genesis and Angeal exchanged nervous looks.

"Can you cook, Zack?" Angeal inquired hesitantly.

"Yea, I'm a good chef," he insisted. "You'll love it. I promise."

**OOOOOOOOOOOooooooooO**

"I'm not worried. I trust Zack. " Angeal said as he clutched at the edge of the table and stared fearfully towards the kitchen.

Genesis' lips quirked up in a smirk. "Really?" He asked.

"Okay, maybe I'm a _bit _worried that he's going to set fire to my kitchen," Angeal said. "But I'm not _that _worried."

"You bought a fire extinguisher this morning," Genesis pointed out.

"Well, yes, but that has nothing to do with Zack. Every kitchen should have a fire extinguisher. It's a standard safety measure."

"Is cooking really that dangerous?" Sephiroth inquired.

"No, but it's Zack," Genesis explained.

"But I thought you were the one notorious for setting things on fire, not Zack," Sephiroth said. Genesis's eyebrow twitched as he stared at Sephiroth and Angeal burst out laughing.

"I don't _accidently_ set things on fire," Genesis said after a moment.

From the kitchen was a metallic sound of something heavy and metal being dropped. Angeal stiffened.

"Everything's fine!" Zack called. "Don't come in here. Everything's fine."

Angeal let out a sigh. "Alright Zack, just tell us if you want help."

"No!" He called back. "I want this to be a surprise."

"Do you smell something burning?" Genesis asked as he sniffed the air and then, as if on cue, the smoke detector went off.

"By the Goddess," Zack swore from the other room. Angeal got to his feet and was about to open the kitchen door but Zack drove into his way.

"Everything is fine; the bread just got a little burnt." He yelled over the squeal of the smoke detector. "That's all. Go sit back down. Don't worry; this will still be really good."

"If that's the case, turn the smoke detector off or I'm going to break it over your head!" Genesis called from the next room as he pressed his hands over his ears.

"I'm on it!" Zack yelled as he vanished back into the kitchen. A minute later the high pitched ringing stopped.

Angeal walked back to the table and dropped back into his chair between Sephiroth and Genesis with a sigh. "We're going to have to pretend we like this even if it's terrible," Angeal said with a grimace.

"I thought homemade food was superior to cafeteria food," Sephiroth said.

"I think what Zack is about to serve us won't count as food," Genesis said. "If everything he serves is black and burnt, I'm going to be called away to a sudden business meeting. Understood, Angeal?"

"Yes, but we should at least try to food. I'm sure it won't be_ that_ bad," Angeal said, but he looked rather unconvinced himself.

"And even if the food is terrible, we should say it is good?" Sephiroth asked.

"Yea, we don't want to hurt his feelings," Angeal said. "He worked hard to make a home cooked meal for us."

"But is that not a lie?" Sephiroth asked.

"But it's an honorable lie," Angeal said.

"Sure it is," Genesis muttered. "If I get food poisoning, I'm going to set him on fire."

A shriek came from the next room. "The salad is on fire!"

"There is a fire extinguisher under the sink!" Angeal called.

A moment later they could hear the sound of the fire extinguisher growling as it spit its foam all over Angeal's kitchen.

Angeal dropped his head into his hands. "My kitchen," he whispered sadly.

Genesis managed to hide his laughter under the guise of a sudden coughing fit.

"How does one catch salad on fire?" Sephiroth asked.

"It's Zack Fair. He can do the impossible," Angeal said tiredly. "He could probably defeat the goddess herself."

"Okay," Zack called. "The food is now ready."

Angeal winced and then hissed to Genesis, "Please be nice."

Zack hopped into the room looking sheepish as he held a plate in his hands. He put it down on the table and the three SOLDIERS were surprised to see a normal looking lasagna casserole. "Eat up!" He said. "I just need to get the bread and the vegetables."

As he disappeared back into the kitchen the three SOLDIERs carefully eyed the casserole. "It doesn't look burnt or anything," Angeal noted.

"Taste it," Genesis said.

"How about you try it first," Angeal said, cutting out a square and offering to Genesis.

"No," Genesis said, blocking his plate with his hand. "It's your student. You have to try it first."

"Okay," Angeal said with a sigh and he dropped the square onto his own plate. The other two SOLDEIRs watched him closely as he dug his fork into the casserole and then raised it to his mouth.

"Would you two stop watching me like that," Angeal said.

"Aw, sorry," Genesis cooed. "Were we making you self-conscientious?"

Angeal rolled his eyes at his friend and then stuck the fork into his mouth.

His eyebrows shot up in surprise as he chewed it slowly as if savoring it and then swallowed. "It's delicious," he announced.

"No way," Genesis said, not believing it.

"It seems Zack actually can cook," Angeal said taking another bite.

Genesis and Sephiroth exchanged looks and then reached to cut themselves as piece. Zack returned with some soft, non-burnt rolls, and some steamed vegetables.

"Everything is so good Zack," Angeal said, trying not to sound as surprised as he actually was.

"Thanks. Sorry your kitchen is kind of a mess," Zack said glancing back at the kitchen. "But I'll clean it up afterwards."

"Don't worry, I'll take care of it," Angeal said as he reached for a second roll.

"No, I really should-" Zack started but Angeal cut him off.

"No, you shouldn't have to clean up after making such a good meal. I'm sorry I doubted your cooking skills."

"It is indeed better than the cafeteria food," Sephiroth said and Genesis was forced to agree as he took another piece of the lasagna.

"Thanks," Zack said as he rubbed the back of his neck uncomfortably.

When dinner was over Zack left to go to a mandatory meeting for Second Class SOLDIERs while the other three stayed behind to help clean up.

"Thanks for helping me clean up," Angeal said as he surveyed the mess that was his kitchen.

"I don't understand how he could make such a mess and start a fire, yet make such good food," Genesis said. "Something does not add up."

"Just admit that he is a cook chef," Angeal said, "Albeit a messy one," he added as he wiped some foam off the counter. "Genesis will you toss out that burnt mess in the skillet?"

"Sure," Genesis said picking up said skillet and walking over to the trashcan.

"Do you know how to cook, Genesis?" Sephiroth asked.

"Huh? A little," Genesis said as he tossed the mysterious burnt entity into the trash. Then he froze and reached down and pulled a bag out of the trashcan.

"Genesis, why are taking things out of the trashcan?" Angeal asked. "That is disgusting."

However, instead of answering, burst out laughing.

Sephiroth looked to Angeal for an explanation for this unusual behavior, but Angeal just shrugged in confusion.

"Your puppy is crafty," Genesis explained as he tossed the bag to Angeal.

"I don't get it," Angeal said as he caught the bag. "It's just a bag to Johnny's Bistro. Zack brought some of his ingredients here in it," he said as he looked at the bag. Then he peaked inside. There were three empty carry out boxes. One was labeled lasagna, another vegetables, and another fresh rolls. "What?" He asked as Genesis broke out into another fit of laughter. "Zack tricked us? He just bought that food? Then why did he make such a mess?"

"Maybe he was trying convince us that he cooked it. Or maybe this was just his back up if something went wrong with what he was cooking," Genesis offered.

Angeal glared down at the bag.

"Someone is going to get a long lecture on honor tomorrow," Genesis hissed to Sephiroth.

**Lesson Learned:** Johnny's Bistro has excellent lasagna.

**Incident: **Get Well Soon

"I do not understand the point," Sephiroth said for the second time.

"It's just a Get Well Soon card, Seph," Zack said, waving the card in his face. "There is nothing to get. I just want you to sign it."

"But what is the purpose? Why does it need my signature? Does it need my authorization?"

"No. I want all Cloud's friends to sign it, not just you," Zack said.

"But what is the point. Will this card aid in his recovery?"

"Well, no. I guess it won't."

"Then what is the point?"

"Look, I just want you to sign the card because Cloud is a big fan of yours, so having a get well card with your signature on it might brighten his spirits," Zack explained as he pushed the card into Sephiroth's hands.

"I see," Sephiroth said, shooting a suspicious look at the card. He made no move to sign it.

"Look, Angeal signed it, and Kunsel signed it. And of course I signed it. Reno even signed it. So, now all I need is for you to sign it. Then I can give it to him."

"What about Genesis?"

"Cloud's been terrified of Genesis ever since that incident where he fed him to the fangirls."

"I see, but then why is he not afraid of me? I was part of that plot."

"Just sign the card, Seph, or he'll be better by the time he gets it."

"Where do I sign it?"

"Below where I wrote, 'Get well soon, Cloudy.'"

"Okay," Sephiroth said, giving in and he quickly scrawled his name between Zack and Kunsel's. Then he quickly handed the card back.

"Thanks, this is going to make his day," Zack said as he burst out of the room.

"I still don't understand why," Sephiroth said to no one.

**Lesson Learned:** Unknown.

**Incident:** The Slinky

"Sometimes I swear, you are such a girl," Genesis pouted as the three SOLDIERs walked up the stairs.

"Genesis, play nice," Angeal, always the mediator, said.

"I am in no way a girl," Sephiroth said, glaring at the redhead.

"You refuse to go to the pool because you don't want to get chlorine in your hair," Genesis said waving at the other. "Why do you care? It's not like your hair would change if it was bleached, you've already gone gray!"

"I prefer the term silver," Sephiroth said. "And I have many other reasons for not wanting to visit a public pool.

"Fine then," Genesis said. "Let's go to the beach. You could use some sun. You're as pale as snow."

"Genesis," Angeal said tiredly as he tried to think of something to say to rein in his friend. However, he never thought of his chastisement because at that moment something caught his eye. A metal spring was walking down the stairs by his feet.

"What is that?" Sephiroth asked as he eyed the contraption moving past them.

"That is a slinky," Genesis said.

"A what?"

"It's a child's toy," Genesis clarified.

"I see," Sephiroth said eyeing the strange contraption as it plopped down another step.

"So," Genesis said. "The beach? Yes?"

"Sure, Gen," Angeal said as they neared the top of the stairs and nearly ran straight into none other than Zack Fair.

"Hi!" Zack said bounding to the side. "Did you see my slinky?" He asked.

"Yea, it was amazing," Genesis said dully.

"Zack, if you have nothing better to do than drop that thing down the stairs maybe I should give you more work," Angeal said.

"Huh? But I was just taking a break," Zack said shooting puppy eyes at his mentor. "I don't have that much free time. Actually I'm super busy. Yea. Very busy. I'm so busy in fact, that I don't have time to retrieve that slinky. Want to fetch if for me, Gen?"

"No, but I'll help you get it," Genesis said and then reached forward and gave Zack a push, which sent him sliding down the first set of steps.

"Not quite as entertaining as a slinky," Genesis noted as Zack yet out a yelp as he reached the bottom

**Lesson Learned:** A slinky is a child's toy that can walk down stairs.

**Now look how long this chapter is! It's really long. It's my longest chapter yet and I did it all in one week. So even if this chapter is no good, you should still like it and review and tell me that it is great, because it was updated so soon. And it's long. Oh yea! It's exciting… kind of. Also, I'd like to credit HazzaTL3, Do a Barrel Roll, Barret Wallace 4 life, and ShadesofImagination for their awesome suggestions which I used in this chapter. Oh, and someone suggested taking Sephiroth to the pool (which obviously inspired the conversation about it) but I can't find that review now, so sorry for not giving you credit, whoever you are. I'm in an oddly hyper mood right now. I feel like I could write a darn good Yuffie fic right now. But I'm not! Okay. I'm done. **

**Please review!**


	10. Chapter 10

**PART TEN! Oh yea. I updated! It's a true Christmas Miracle!**

Hi! I know I haven't updated in a while, but then I saw River Flows Backwards' review and I was suddenly (somewhat) motivated to update this. So I did! Although it's finals week and I should be studying! So, this chapter is kind of short and not one of my best… But I hope you still enjoy it and super special thanks to everyone (I'm too lazy to list you all) who reviewed! You're all great people. And to everyone who didn't review… you're scum. Just kidding. I'm sure you're cool too.

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><p><strong>Incident:<strong> The Fight

"Infinite in mystery is the gift of the goddess," Genesis read from the famous read book. "We seek it thus and take to the skies. Ripples form on the water's surface. The wondering soul knows no rest."

Sephiroth turned around and took a step towards Genesis. "Loveless. Act One." His boots were loud against the metal surface of the huge mako cannon.

"Hmph," Genesis let out with a slight smirk as he slapped the book shut and put it down beside him. "You remembered." He pushed himself off his perch and landed smoothly on his feet next to Angeal, who was watching the exchange with crossed arms.

"How can I not, when you've beaten it into my head?" Sephiroth said as he tapped his forehead, eyeing Genesis challenging as he flicked his sword.

Genesis raised his own sword as Angeal pick up his smaller sword and turned to Genesis.

"Don't take Sephiroth lightly," Angeal warned unnecessarily.

"Noted," Genesis said blandly and then they changed. Genesis attacked first, but Sephiroth blocked it with enough time to turn and nimbly slash away Angeal's sword. The two from Banora kept attacking on their swift attack but Sephiroth easily blocked each strike.

"Is that the best you can do?" Sephiroth challenged as he blocked another of Angeal's attacks and then knocked Angeal backwards.

"All hail Sephiroth, huh?" Angeal said as he lowered his sword.

"Angeal, stay back. I'll take Sephiroth alone," Genesis said, raising a hand to block his friend.

"Genesis," Angeal said in a warning tone.

"The world needs a new hero," Genesis said as he raised his hand over his sword and then suddenly the virtual world came suddenly crashing down around them.

"Angeal!" Came a familiar voice from behind them and all three spun around to face Zack who was bouncing up and down enthusiastically by the door.

"What?" Angeal asked as he shook his head at his student. He could practically hear Genesis seething behind them.

"Take me to the mall, so I can tell Santa what I want for Christmas!" Zack cried exuberantly.

"You interrupted us for _that_!" Genesis screamed.

"Why do you-" Angeal began to ask Zack but then he just shook his head in defeat.

"Sorry, I didn't realize I was interrupting anything," Zack said, as he stopped jumping up and down in place like an excited puppy.

"I was about to beat Sephiroth."

"I do not believe that was about to happen," Sephiroth chimed in.

"Yea, you were probably just about to have your ass handed to you by Sephiroth," Zack offered with a laugh and then let out a scream as balls of fire were suddenly sent flying towards his face.

He dove out the door as Genesis went spiriting at him in only a slightly more dignified matter.

Angeal let out a sigh as he heard his student and his best friend's screams echo from down the hallway. He glanced back at Sephiroth. "Why do I feel like we just dodged a bullet?"

"No one was firing bullets at us," Sephiroth said as he looked questioningly at Angeal.

"It's a saying," Angeal said. "I mean that I have this strange feeling that something bad was about to happen, but we managed to avoid it."

"You got out of attending Zack to the mall," Sephiroth pointed out.

"That's probably it," Angeal said with a laugh as they walked out of the VR room.

**Lesson: **Unknown

**Incident:** A List of Thing to Do When You, Zack Fair, Know You are Going to Fail the SOLDIER Written Exam

**1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "Oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early. **

Everyone kept shooting him glares. But Zack knew they were just angry that they didn't think to bring a pillow.

**2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!" **

The Turks tried to steal it from him.

**3. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril. **

Director Lazard was not amused.

**4. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself aloud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is. **

After the test, Zack was sent to the infirmary for a mental evaluation.

**5. Bring cheerleaders. **

He borrowed Sephiroth's fan club.

**6. Bring a Game Boy (or DS, PSP, etc...). Play with the volume at max level. **

He found this game called Crisis Core, and boy was it weird…

**7. Bring pets. **

It turns out that Zack, the real puppy, was not a welcome guest at the exam.

**8. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off. **

Lazard expected this had something to do with the SOLDIER's elaborate game of hide-and-seek.

**9. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." Ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes. **

Lazard was not in a very Christmas-y, or giving, mood that day.

**10. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers. **

Zack decided to go all out and used finger paints.

**11. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.**

When Kunsel got thrown out of the exam for that, Zack almost felt bad. Almost.

**12. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it. **

He was still hungry afterwards, so he ate Kunsel's too.

**13. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam. **

He probably wouldn't have gotten in trouble had he not started taking seats in occupied chairs.

**13. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. **

23. Explain the process of materia fusion.

_False._

**14. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy). **

"But the crocodile was in the kitchen. The kitchen!" Zack yelled and then burst out into a fit of giggles while Kunsel tried to act like he didn't know him.

**15. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!" **

Lazard muttered something, but all Zack heard was "not the brightest bulb in the…"

**16. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop.**

"Zack, you might not know it, but you really are in jeopardy," Lazard threatened.

**17. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam. **

Zack won, of course.

**18. Try to get people in the room to do the wave. **

Zack got everyone but Lazard to join in.

**19. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice. **

Everyone wondered where he had found the small statue of President Shinra, but no one asked.

**24. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach. **

He probably went a step too far when he began dismantling the tile floor.

**25. Pass!**

"I cannot believe it. I cannot believe it," Genesis moaned. "There is no way Fair passed that test! This is a terrible sign for humanity! The apocalypse is near, Angeal!"

"It's okay, Gen," Angeal said. "Just calm down, quote some _Loveless_, and you'll be fine."

**Lesson Learned: **Nothing can stop Zack Fair.

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><p><strong>Note: <strong>Next chapter will be a Christmas Special Chapter Thingy. Yay! So if you have any good gift ideas that one of the characters can give to another, leave a comment telling me. Thanks!

Oh, and I should be updating quickly during the next month or so (during my winter break) because I'll have lots of free time and I have tons of wonderful suggestions from you readers that I haven't gotten around to using yet. Yay!

Also, I did not create the "List of Things to Do During an Exam When You Know You're Going to Fail." That thing is plastered all over the internet. I just modified it slightly. I also do not own Final Fantasy, and that makes me very sad.

**Please review! **


	11. Chapter 11

**Here is the totally on time Christmas Chapter! Yep. My punctuality is amazing! Blah. **

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><p><strong>Incident:<strong> Shopping for Aerith

"Angeal!" Zack screamed as he said darted into his office. Angeal let out a sigh, knowing that the chance of him finishing the report on time had just fallen dramatically.

"What did you do this time?" Angeal asked.

"Christmas is in four days!"

Angeal blinked and was silent for a moment before responding. He had not expecting that answer. He had been expecting something more along the lines of "I tried to give Sephiroth a haircut and now he's trying to kill me. Please hide me in your office!" Zack really was unpredictable, Angeal decided as he said "Thank you, Zack. But I have a calendar which can tell me these things."

"I didn't get Aerith a gift yet! What am I going to do? What do girls want? Help meeeee!" Zack cried as he dropped to his knees and clung to Angeal's desk desperately.

"Why would I know that?" Angeal said. "She's your girlfriend; shouldn't you know what she likes?"

"But what do you get girls for Christmas?" Zack asked.

"_I_ don't have to get them anything since I don't have a girlfriend. Now, can you please let me get to work."

"But I don't know what to do? What if I get her something and she doesn't like it! What if I go to the store and they're sold out of everything? What am I going to do?"

"Calm down, Zack. You're blowing this out of proportion."

"What do women want?" Zack continued, ignoring Angeal's words. "I don't understand them. It's like they're a completely different species. Oh, I know! She likes flowers. Oh wait, she has the only flowers in Midgar. That won't work. What should I do?"

"Zack," Angeal said, "What did your dad get your mom for Christmas?"

"Huh? Oh, last year he got her a power drills set. The year before, he got her a wheel barrow."

"A wheel barrow?"

"Yup! You think Areith would want one? I already made her that little cart though. So what would she do with a wheel barrow?"

"I see where your problems come from," Angeal said, shaking his head.

"No wheel barrow then?"

"No wheel barrow," Angeal echoed in agreement.

"What do I get her then?"

Angeal laughed softly. "You need to figure that out for yourself. You should get her something that shows that you really care about her."

"But I don't know what that is," Zack whined as he took a seat on the floor, finally releasing his death grip of Angeal's desk. He stared at his hands for a minute.

Angeal looked down at his paper work. "Maybe you should ask someone who has more experience with giving gifts to women."

"Like who?"

"I don't know. Why don't you ask Kunsel, or someone?"

"Oh, I could ask Reno. He's popular with the ladies!" Zack said with sudden insight and then flew out the door, failing to here Angeal yelling after him that Reno was probably not the best person to ask.

Five minutes later the hyperactive SOLDIER found Reno sitting at his desk. It was evident that he was not doing any work as his feet were up on the desk and his eyes were closed. However, they snapped open as soon as Zack burst into the room.

"Reno, I need your help," Zack announced.

"Well, SOLDIER boy, what can I do for you?" Reno asked as he played with his goggles.

"I don't know what to get my girlfriend for Christmas," Zack said and Reno cracked a smile.

"That's easy, get her some sexy underwear," Reno said and then added, "with lace. Girl's love lace."

"Underwear?"

"Yea," Reno said.

"Really?"

"Yup, trust me on this one. You won't regret it."

"Okay," Zack said. "Thanks then," he said stepping back into the hallway and towards the stairs when he was stopped by a familiar voice.

"What are you up to, pup?"

Zack turned to see Genesis and Sephiroth walking towards him.

"I'm going to go shopping," Zack said. "Hey, do you know anything about buying women's underwear stuff?"

Genesis looked taken aback and Sephiroth looked completely perplexed.

"Why would I know anything about that?" Genesis asked, his eyes narrowing.

"Why do you need women's underwear?" Sephiroth asked.

"They're not for me!" Zack exclaimed, holding up his hands. "I was just wondering. See, I need to get Aerith a Christmas gift, and Reno said I should get her underwear," Zack explained as Genesis shook his head.

"What?" Zack asked.

"This is for the little flower girl?" Genesis asked.

"Yea, Aerith," Zack said.

"You should get her a romantic gift she can cherish."

"Like what?"

"Like something small, completely useless, and expensive," Genesis said.

Zack paused for a minute as he thought. "Really skimpy underwear?" He guessed.

"No," Genesis said. "Jewelry!"

"Oh. Right!" Zack said. "Hey, that's great. Oh, maybe I should get her something pink. She likes pink."

Genesis nodded. "Good boy," he said as Zack darted off once again.

"I do not understand. Why would anyone want something that it completely useless," Sephiroth asked.

"You're not supposed to understand," Genesis advised. "It had to do with a realm that is beyond our understanding: the female realm."

**Lesson Learned: **"Romantic" means small, completely useless, and expensive.

**Incident:** Christmas

"Merry Christmas, everyone!" Zack shouted at the small congregation of half-asleep First Class SOLDIERs that were gathered in Angeal's living room.

"It would be a whole lot merrier if it was later," Genesis muttered as he slouched tiredly against Sephiroth who was sitting next to him on Angeal's moss green couch.

"Why did you have to get us up at six am?" Angeal asked Zack through a yawn as he handed Genesis and Sephiroth each a cup of coffee.

"Because it's Christmas! You don't want to sleep through Christmas," he exclaimed and then he reached out a hand towards Angeal and the coffee pot. "Can I have a cup of coffee?"

"Goddess no," Genesis said as Angeal slapped his student's hand away. "The last thing you need is caffeine."

"But you're supposed to be happy and excited on Christmas!"

"Why is that?" Sephiroth asked.

"Because it's Christmas!" Zack exclaimed, bouncing in place with endless energy. "And you get presents! Aren't you excited to see what I got you?" He wagged an eyebrow at the general. The expression on Sephiroth's face however indicated that he was less than enthusiastic about the gift exchange.

"Aw, don't look worried," Zack said seeing Sephiroth's expression but misinterpreting it. "It's okay if you didn't get me anything."

"The best gift you could get me is to let me go back to sleep," Genesis grumbled.

"Oh, stop being a party pooper!" Zack said as he reached into a large plastic bag that was sitting on the floor and threw a brightly wrapped package at Genesis, which he caught easily.

"Open it! Open it!" Zack chanted he drum his fingers on the coffee table.

Genesis rolled his eyes, tore through the paper wrappings, and then pulled out an oddly shaped green tinted figurine. Genesis held it away from his body, and looked at it like it might explode any second. After a moment, his eyes flickered to Zack, sending him an imploring look.

"It's cute!" Zack announced plucking the green figure from Genesis' hand. He turned it over and then smiled broadly as he waved it at Genesis. When Genesis only stared back with raised eyebrows and a perplexed look, Zack decided to go into greater detail. "It's a cute little Moogle. See isn't he adorable?"

"Why is it green?" Genesis asked as he reached out and tentatively took the thing from Zack's outstretched hand.

"It glows in the dark," Zack said proudly.

"Glows in the dark?" Genesis asked as Angeal gave him a prod between his shoulder blades, a signal to be nice.

"Yup," Zack said.

"Excellent," Genesis said as he fought to keep the sarcasm out of his voice. "More times than I can count, I have found myself groping through the darkness, unable to located my Moogle. Thanks to you, Zackary, I will never have to do with again. You shouldn't have. You really shouldn't have." He paused for a moment. "Glow in the dark Moogles. What wonders will modern science think of next?"

Sephiroth quirked an eyebrow. "Are you being sarcastic?"

"Me? Never!" Genesis said dropping the glow in the dark Moogle onto his lap and snatching back up his coffee mug.

"Guess what I got you!" Zack said turning to Angeal.

Angeal let out a fearful sigh. "I have no idea."

"I got you a Chocobo!" Zack said as he headed for the door.

"What?" Angeal asked in confusion, but as Zack neared the door, a certain suspicion entered his mind. "Zackary! This 'Chocobo' better not be that poor blonde cadet you're always dragging around."

Zack paused and rubbed the back of his neck as he leaned against the door, fingering the doorknob "What? Of course not! That would be ridiculous," he said and then dived out the door.

A minute later, he returned, dragging a very flustered and confused Cloud behind him, who oddly enough had a bow tied in his blonde locks. "I was kidding about the Chocobo," he said. "I actually got you this," he said tossing Angeal a small wrapped package. Then he glanced at Cloud and said, "Oh, and I happened to find Cloud outside. What a coincidence!"

"Imagine that," Genesis said with a laugh as Angeal offered Cloud some coffee, which the blonde happily accepted.

"Angeal, open your gift," Zack whined as Angeal handed Cloud a steaming mug.

"Okay, okay," Angeal said opening the package and found an elegant pen that was engraved with the word "honor."

He smiled with approval at the pen and thanked Zack who was bouncing around the room like a puppy, stopping only periodically, much to Cloud's chagrin, to ruffle the cadet's spiky hair.

"Seph," Zack sang as he bounced over to the General. "I didn't know what to get you so I-"

"Got him a glow in the dark Moogle," Genesis suggested as he stared mournfully into his now empty empty coffee mug.

"Um, no," Zack said, as he pick up another, package and handed it to Sephiroth who accepted the gift with a surprised, "Thank you." Meanwhile, Genesis looked up at Angeal and he waved his empty coffee cup in front of his friend's face.

Angeal sighed and got Genesis a refill of the lifesaving caffeinated liquid as Sephiroth tore the paper off the present.

"What is it?" Sephiroth asked after examining the present that was now free from the paper.

"It's a Santa Hat!" Zack exclaimed happily, yanking the red and white hat from Sephiroth's hands and pushing it down over the man's white hair.

"Now all you need is a beard Seph," Genesis teased. "You've already got the white hair."

"I think you'd also need to gain a few pounds," Angeal added.

Sephiroth merely looked confused but thanked Zack for the gift anyway.

"And Cloudy!" Zack cried stuffing a present into his younger friend's arms. Cloud slowly unwrapped the gift, nervous that it would be Chocobo underwear, or something equally strange and embarrassing, but instead found something that was actually useful. He pulled out a pair of leather combat gloves.

"You were complaining that your gloves were too big," Zack explained as he ran a hand through his own black spikes. "

"Thanks! These are great." Cloud said. "I got you a gift, but I left it in my room. I wasn't quite awake when you dragged me out of the barracks."

"Aw, thanks Spike," Zack said as he ruffled the golden spikes. "But you didn't have to get me anything."

Genesis let out a sigh and then pushed himself to his feet and disappeared from the room and then was back a minute later with a stack of identical presents. He tossed one to each of the SOLDIERS.

Angeal eyed the package suspiciously. It was square and very book-like. "It's a copy of _Loveless_, isn't it?" he asked just as Zack tore the wrapping paper off his copy revealing a copy of _Loveless_.

"Yes," Genesis said.

"You got me a copy of Loveless last year," Angeal said.

"Yes, and I will continue to get it for you until you actually read it," Genesis said stubbornly. "Besides, this edition is better."

"I don't need to read it; you spout it so often I think we've all got the whole thing memorized."

"Fine then," Genesis said snatching the unopened package from Angeal's hands and tossing it to Cloud. "Merry Christmas, cadet," he said.

"Thanks sir?" Cloud said in confusion as he fingered the paper.

"Luckily, I predicted that you would be unappreciative," Genesis said, "and there is a Christmas cactus sitting on your table for you."

Angeal turned around and looked behind him to see that sure enough there was a little potted cactus was sitting on the table with a festive red bow tied around its base.

"Thanks," Angeal said in surprise as Genesis let out an 'hmph' and muttered something about plants and bugs under his breath.' Then Genesis turned to look at Sephiroth and smiled victoriously as he saw the other man was actually reading _Loveless._

Angeal noted Sephiorth's seeming interest in the book and decided he would have to destroy said book before things got out of hand and he was spouting _Loveless_ too. Zack seemed to be in no danger of getting the Loveless bug as he had already put the book down and was doing squats.

"Zack," Angeal called, causing Zack to freeze mid-squat and then tip over onto the floor near Cloud. "Could you grab the containers that are in the kitchen and bring them in here?"

"Sure!" Zack cried, bounding out of the room and returning a minute later laden with various boxes. "These sure smell good," Zack commented as he handed them out to the party detailed by the label.

"Hey, you even got one for Cloud," Zack said happily as he handed over one package to the cadet.

"Of course," Angeal said with a smile.

"Hey, this one is to you," Zack said as he dropped the last package in Angeal lap. "Did you get yourself a present?"

"No," Angeal said, he winced slightly as he opened the package and showed it to Genesis. "Mrs. Fagan's Fruitcake."

"Ah," Genesis said. "So she still sends you those? You poor thing."

"Oh my god! Cookies!" Zack exclaimed once he wrestled the wrapping open and found it full of assorted homemade cookies. "Angeal, you're man!"

Genesis rolled his eyes as Zack began piling food in his mouth.

"Who is Mrs. Fagan?" Zack asked through a mouth full of cookies

"One of my mom's friends, she sends me fruitcake each year."

"Can I have a slice?" Zack asked.

"What?" Genesis exclaimed. "No one actually eats fruitcake."

"Then what do you do with it?" Zack asked.

"You give it to someone else," Genesis grumbled.

"It's not that bad," Angeal said, but the expression on his face indicated that it was in fact, that bad.

Genesis rolled his eye and then opened his package and was delighted to find a homemade apple pie. "Angeal, you really are a dear," he said to Angeal before turning to Sephiroth. "What did you get?"

"Cheesecake," Angeal answered for him.

"Thank you," Sephiroth as he peered down at the delicious food. "But I am afraid I did not get you anything."

"You don't need to get us anything," Angeal said. "Your friendship is enough."

"You can give me a rematch in the VR room though," Genesis said as he eyed his friend food while Angeal rolled his eyes. "That would be better than a glow-in-the-dark moogle."

"Actually," Zack said. "That was a joke gift. I got you something else too."

"Huh?" Genesis asked as another package was thrust into his hands.

"Open it," Zack said learning back and innocently stealing a cookie from Cloud's stash. Unfortunately, for Zack, the blonde caught him and gave him a fierce slap across the wrist for it.

"Ow," Zack moaned as he rolled across the floor holding his right arm out in front of him dramatically.

Genesis carefully tore through the paper and stared at the gift in total surprise.

"What is it?" Sephiroth asked.

"_Loveless_, the Third Meyer Edition. It's a very rare copy," he said as he stared at the book in surprise.

"I found it at a used book shop," Zack said looking down as he rubbed the back of his neck as he waited to see if Genesis would like it or not.

"Thank you very much," Genesis said as he tore his eyes away from the book to look over at Zack with a genuine smile. The puppy smiled back.

"Merry Christmas!" Zack said.

**Lesson Learned: **Friendship is a gift. Also, don't eat fruitcake.

**Incident:** Things NOT to do at the Shinra Company New Year's Party

To All Employees Attending the Shinra New Year's Party,

Due to some strange and rather embarrassing occurrences during last year's New Year Party, we would like to outline some basic rules for this year's event:

1. Refrain from setting off your own fireworks inside the building.

2. Do not interrupt the speakers to make announcements about the striking resemblance between certain individuals' hairdos and Chocobos.

3. Do not place whoopee cushions on the council member's chairs.

4. Do not create statues out of the cheese cubes.

5. When asked to say a few words for a toast, do not reply, "Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!"

6. Do not introduce your imaginary friends to the distinguished guests.

7. Attendants should all be dressed in formal attire. For men, this means a suit and tie made out of fabric, not out of duct tape or feathers.

8. Do not ask President Shinra if you can kiss him at midnight. You may not.

9. Do not spread false rumors about the cheese being poisoned.

10. If one of the distinguished guests asks what your rank is, "Princess" is not an appropriated response.

Thanks,

The Official Committee of Planning Parties

**Lesson Learned: **Sephiroth knew he shouldn't have let Zack talk him into wearing that duct tape suit.

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><p><strong>Please review!<br>I hope you liked this chapter because it was a pain to write (hence why it took forever) and I think it's blah. That being said, this might be the second to last chapter. Thanks to all my awesome reviews and super special thanks to HazzaTL3, Do a Barrel Roll, **organization13girl, loveless and the living fantasy, **and I want you bad… for their suggestions for this chapter.**


	12. Chapter 12

**THE TWELFTH CHAPTER!**

Thanks for all the reviews and suggestions! They really did inspire me, as did a really strange incident: I found an almost complete chapter of _Observations_ on my computer that I thought I already published, but looking through what I posted, I guess I didn't… Therefore, this will NOT be the last chapter. Also, I think I (at least temporarily) came out of my terrible writer's block. Yay!

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><p><strong>Incident:<strong> Questions

"Hey, Sephiroth," Zack said as he sprang noisily into his superior's office. "What's up?"

"Zack, I am extremely busy at the moment, so unless you have something important to say I would appreciate if you'd let me finish my work." Sephiroth brushed a lock of silver hair out of his face as he looked up at the SOLDIER bouncing in the doorway.

"I just have a few questions that have been bothering me." Zack said, looking down at Sephiroth with his big puppy eyes. "I've been thinking about them all day and haven't been able to get any work done because of it. And I thought you could help me out."

"Alright," Sephiroth said, putting his work to the side for the moment. "I will do my best to answer your questions."

"Okay, well," Zack said as he plopped himself down in the nearest chair. "What if chameleon's are all over the place, but we just can't see them?"

Sephiroth blinked. That was not the sort of question he was expecting. He had been expecting something at least mildly work related.

Seeing Sephiroth's apparent confusion, Zack went on. "And what if the dryer doesn't take a sock, but actually gives us an extra one?"

"When does the dryer take a sock?" Sephiroth asked.

"After you do the laundry don't you always have one odd number sock left over?"

"No."

"Oh. I guess the dryer can't find a sock big enough for your huge feet," Zack murmured as he eyed the General's large black boots that were even visible from under the desk.

Sephiroth wasn't sure whether to be offended or not, but Zack gave him no time to decide.

"And what if mirrors really lead to an alternate dimension, but we can't get through because our reflections are in the way?"

"How did you even think of that?" Sephiroth asked, but Zack kept on pondering.

"What if thunderstorms aren't real, but an invention of Shinra's Science Division to cover up the sound of space battles?"

"Wouldn't we be informed about that? We are First Class SOLDIERS after all."

"Maybe. But maybe it's super top secret."

"Or maybe you've been watching too much anime," Sephiroth suggested.

"What if bird's aren't really singing, but screaming because they're afraid of heights?" Zack asked, his voice growing louder with his panic.

Sephiroth stared at Zack for a moment before finally speaking. "I think your questions are similar to the classical question: If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?"

"What?" Zack asked. "But everyone knows that if a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it still makes a sound! It goes 'moo!'"

Sephiroth stared at Zack in utter confusion. "The tree goes 'moo?'"

"Yea," Zack said and then he shot out of his chair. "Thanks for the help Sephiorth. I think I understand everything now. See ya!" Then he darted out of the room.

Sephiroth spent the next ten minutes trying to figure out what had just happened. Then he spent the rest of the day wondering if the Shinra's Science Division invented thunderstorms to cover up the sound of secret space battles.

**Lesson Learned:** Some questions are unanswerable.

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><p><strong>Incident: <strong>Hide-and-Go-Seek Returns

Tseng was sure something suspicious was going on, and as a Turk, he felt that it was his duty to get to the bottom of it. First, there was that fact Zack Fair was not on a mission, and yet the headquarters were oddly quiet and calm. The second and more disturbing factor was that all his Turks were missing. Every single one of them. It was as if they were hiding from him. He dismissed that idea instantly, since it was too ridiculous. The Turks were not that unprofessional.

"Tseng!" Someone called out and Tseng turned around and found himself face to face with Lazard.

"How can I help you, sir?" Tseng inquired, wondering what the Director wanted from him. He hoped that he wasn't going to ask the Turks to help the SOLDIERs on a mission, because then he would have to admit that he had somehow lost all of the Turks. However, instead Lazard asked a very different question.

"Have you seen any of the First Class SOLDIERs?"

"I have not," Tseng said, wondering what sort of incident would make both the SOLDIERs and the Turks vanish. "Have you seen any of the Turks?"

"No," Lazard said shaking his head, "And I've already checked the roof."

Tseng raised an eyebrow, wondering why the roof was the first place to check.

Seeing Tseng's confused look, Lazard elaborated. "I thought they might have been playing Frisbee on the roof, again."

Tseng blinked. "I see," he said finally. He was going to have to ask Reno about that one later.

"So now I don't know where to check," Lazard let out a tired sigh.

"I don't believe we had these problems before Fair became a SOLDIER," Tseng noted

Lazard laughed. "He is an… energetic one." Then, as if on cue, a loud shout echoed down the hallway followed by a crash.

"Fair," Lazard and Tseng both muttered at the same time as they headed towards the sound of the commotion. They turned down the hall and came across a very strange sight; someone's rear end and legs were sticking out of a ventilation shaft. To the left of the trapped individual, Cloud sat on the floor giggling uncontrollably while Sephiroth stood to the side, trying to look serious but he was barely able to find his amusement.

Tseng and Lazard managed to keep their composure as they inquired what the heck was going on.

"We were engaging in a game of hide-and-seek," Sephiroth said. His voice was so serious that he almost was able to make up that ludicrous that statement sound serious. Almost.

"Hide-and-go-seek?" Lazard echoed.

Cloud nodded as Sephiroth continued. "I was what you call 'It,' and Zackary tried to climb through the duct to avoid getting tagged. And then he got stuck."

"Little help here, guys?" Zack's slightly strained voice echoed from inside the duct.

It took an hour to get Zack out, and in that time Genesis managed to make 20 gil by putting up a sign that read, "Spank the SOLDIER, 1 Gil."

**Lesson Learned:** Hide and go seek is a potentially hazardous game.

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><p><strong>Incident:<strong> Monopoly

"Okay," Zack said as he stared over the board for a moment as he chewed on his lip. "Cloud," he said slowly. His voice was strangely serious. "I promise I won't ruffle your hair for an entire week, I'll give you half of my jumbo super stacked double cheese combo burger, a pack of gum, and three hundred monopoly dollars if you give me Park Place. That is my final offer."

Cloud thought for a moment and eyed the delicious looking burger. "What type of gum?" He asked.

"Uh," Zack said reaching into his pocket and pulling out a pack. "Winter mint."

"Deal," Cloud said.

"You can't make a trade like that!" Kunsel complained, snatching up the rulebook as Zack handed over half of his jumbo super stacked double cheese combo burger, the pack of gum, and three hundred dollars to Cloud in return for Park Place.

"Why not?" Sephiroth inquired.

"You can only trade properties and money that are part of the game, not food and favors and stuff," Kunsel argued.

"Hey, you're just annoyed because you can't think up such awesome trades!" Zack said.

"No, I'm annoyed because you're cheating."

"Am not."

"Cheater!"

"I'm not a cheater!"

"Really? Because I think you are because you just CHEATED!"

"Yea, well you wanna go? Do you want to settle this like men?" Zack taunted as Kunsel suddenly lunged across the board and the two went wrestling across the floor, kicking the board to the side and knocking over the metal figures and the plastic houses in the process.

"Is Monopoly always this intense?" Sephiroth asked as he placed the small car back on Marvin's Garden.

"Yea," Cloud said as he reached across the board and alleviated some money from Zack's stash.

**Lesson Learned:** Monopoly is not a game for the faint of heart.

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><p><strong>Incident: <strong>What Not to Do on Your Mission Reports

To: All Shinra SOLDIERS

Recently some SOLDIERs have gotten sloppy when writing their debriefing mission reports. Hence, I feel it is necessary that you all be reminded that these reports should be professional. Since grasping this concept seems to be too difficult for some of you, I have provided a list of examples of how NOT to write your mission report.

1. Do not start the report with "I recently had an experience I just simply had to write to you about…."

2. Do not start out with "Dear Diary."

3. "I stabbed some stuff and then went home," is not a sufficient report.

4. "I kicked butt," is not a sufficient description of any battle sequence.

5. _Loveless _has nothing to do with your mission. Do not bring it up.

6. Your report should not be an essay on why you deserve a raise.

7. Do not start reports with the words, "Do you want to know how I got these scars?"

8. Do not start each report with the story of your birth.

9. Do not finish all your sentences with, "In accordance with the prophecy."

10. Do not make up events involving your sexual exploits. You did not sleep with all the women at Icicle Inn.

Thanks,

The Committee That Sends Frivolous Memos

**Lesson Learned: **Never let Zack write a mission report for you.

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><p><strong>Incident:<strong> Zack Fair finds the "How to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity List"

**1. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.**

"I suppose Zack has lost himself," Genesis mused.

**2. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.**

And that's why Zack had to stop and find a place to buy fries during the Wuti mission.

**3. In the memo field of all your checks, write "FOR SEXUAL FAVORS".**

Angeal was unnerved to say the least when he saw Zack's checkbook laying out one day.

**4. Stare at people through the points of a fork and pretend they're in jail.**

"Why is he staring at me like that?" Genesis hissed uncomfortably.

"Zack, stop giggling and put the fork down," Angeal ordered.

**5. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.**

Angeal hope it was just a phase that Zack would outgrow sometime, hopefully by the time he turned 50.

**6. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.**

Cloud had a surprisingly hard punch.

**7. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".**

"Military intelligence really is an oxymoron," Zack heard the employee mumble under his breath.

**8. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.**

Genesis swore he would never take Zack anywhere ever again.

**9. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.**

"That does make sense," Genesis said, "Since you do seem to have rocks for brains."

**10. When the money comes out of the cash machine, scream "I Won! I Won! Third time this week!"**

Angeal was positive that the intelligence section of the SOLDIER exam was not difficult enough.

**11. Pop some popcorn without putting on the lid.**

In hindsight, doing that that Genesis' kitchen had not been one of his better ideas.

**12. When someone says, "Have a nice day," tell them you have other plans.**

Sephiroth decided that he would never understand other people.

**13. Have a tea party with your pets.**

Unfortunately, Zack didn't have a pet. So he "borrowed" Zack the puppy from Tseng, who retaliated by kidnapping Cloud and holding the cadet ransom until his dog was returned.

**14. Make a list of things to do that you have already done.**

Angeal gave him a lecture on goals.

**15. Bill your doctor for time spent in the waiting room.**

Hojo didn't know why he owed Zack Fair 500 gil, but he assumed it was some sort of black mail, so he decided to pay it off.

**16. Make up a language and stop someone to ask for directions.**

Angeal assumed the boy had finally lost it and hauled him off to a psychiatrist.

**17. Buy a complete set of Transformers. Play with them loudly. If people comment, tell them with a straight face, "There's more to them than meets the eye."**

After that, Angeal forbid him from watching any TV.

**18. Follow someone around all day and do a commentary on their every move. **

"Genesis is now using the bathroom, folks!"

"Genesis is now picking up his sword!"

"Genesis is now- AHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Angeal! Help! Help me!"

**Lesson Learned: **Zack Fair is not normal.

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><p>Thanks for the super suggestions from the home alone kid and CHOCOBOOOOOOOOO! I do not own the "Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity List," I just modified it and added stuff. Oh, and I didn't think up Zack's questions. My roommate randomly asked me like ten of those questions, and I wrote a few down. So, I don't know where they came from. And I still don't own Final Fantasy, either. Also, thanks and apologizes to organization13girl and loveless and the living fantasy. I used their suggestions in the last chapter and forgot to credit them.<p>

PLEASE REVIEW!


	13. Chapter 13: April Fools

**OBSERVATIONS- CHAPTER THIRTEEN! Ooooohhh! Run for the hills! It's an unlucky number thirteen! **

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><p><strong>Incident:<strong> AWOL

"Angeal?" Sephiroth said softly as he peered into Angeal's office.

"Yes?" Angeal asked. He looked exhausted, pale, and almost sickly. Sephiroth wondered what happened to him.

"Are you ill?" Sephiroth inquired.

Angeal shook his head. "I'm okay," he said, in a way that made Sephiroth quite sure the other man was in fact not okay. But then what had happened? And why was Angeal lying to him?

"Where did everyone go?" Sephiroth asked. When he had come back from his mission, the area was oddly vacant of SOLDIERS. At first, Sephiroth had merely assumed that they were all off on some crazy Zack-instigated adventure. Then Lazard said he needed to talk to him soon, making his suspect that something more was going on. Something much worse.

Angeal sighed and suddenly became very interested in the papers on his desk. He moved them around, shifting them from stack to stack. Sephiroth merely watched patiently, waiting for an answer. Angeal's behavior confused him.

"Genesis left," Angeal said finally.

"What do you mean?" Sephiroth asked, wondering how Genesis had managed to get leave at this time of year.

"I don't know, he just vanished, and he took most of the Second and Third Class SOLDIERS with him."

Sephiroth froze. "Why?" He asked. Why would Genesis just up and leave without telling Angeal, his best friend.

"I don't know," Angeal snapped. Sephiroth was surprised by his usually calm friend's outburst. Angeal looked surprised at himself and then shook his head. "I'm sorry," he mumbled, dropping his head into his hands.

"Is anyone being sent out after him?"

"I am."

"What are your orders?" Sephiroth asked. They could not seriously be expected to attack Genesis, could they?

"Just to bring him back," Angeal said softly.

"I will accompany you," Sephiroth offered. He didn't want to fight a friend, but he wanted to know why Genesis had left.

"No," Angeal said shaking his head. "You and Zack are supposed to go up to Nimbelheim and check something out. I don't know what it is exactly. Zack wasn't very clear."

"I see," Sephiroth said solemnly.

"I'm sure this will all work out in the end," Angeal said, without any conviction.

"I'm sure it will," Sephiroth agreed uncertainly but somehow he knew that nothing would ever be the same again.

**Lesson Learned: **All good things must come to an end.

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><p><strong>Um… Yea, so that's the end! Thanks for all the people who reviewed, favorite, and subscribed! I had a lot of fun writing this and I hope you had a lot of fun reading it. <strong>

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**APRIL FOOLS! HAHHAHAH!**


	14. Chapter 14

CHAPTER FOURTEEN!

What! This chapter isn't late! I have no idea what you're talking about… Nope. This chapter is totally on time.

Anyway, thanks for all the reviews! You guys are all awesome! Cookies for everyone!  
>Also, "plot-wise" (haha, like there's a plot…) the April Fools chapter never happened, okay. Got it?<p>

* * *

><p><strong>Incident:<strong> The Drink

"Angeal, can you somehow make your puppy chew with his mouth closed?" Genesis asked.

"Zack, that is pretty disgusting," Angeal said, as he glanced at Zack's open mouth chewing.

"Sorry," Zack said through a mouth of food, spraying some of the food across the table and making Genesis grimace in disgust.

"I'll go get some napkins," Sephiroth said, mostly to get away from their fighting for a minute.

"Hey, can you grab me another package of ketchup while you're up?" Zack asked, still talking through his food.

"Of course," Sephiroth said politely and then he turned and left.

Zack finally swallowed his food and then smirked deviously.

"Whatever you're planning on doing, don't," Genesis said, pulling his tray as far away from the younger man as the table would allow.

Zack ignored him and laughed mischievously. He picked up that salt and then looked over at Sephiroth whose back was to them. Then Zack quickly unscrewed the salt and the poured a massive amount into Sephiroth's drink.

"Zack!" Angeal cried. "That's just mean. Especially since he's getting stuff for you."

"It's just a harmless prank," Zack said as he picked up the bottle of hot sauce and looked furtively over at Sephiroth's whose back was still turned. He quickly unscrewed the cap, ignored Angeal's lecture on honor, and poured the hot sauce into the drink.

"Zackary!" Angeal said. He was beginning one of his infamous full-length lectures when Genesis cut him off.

"Now it's now even turned a different color. There is no way he won't notice that you messed with it. He won't drink it," Genesis said motioning to the liquid which was now a nasty murky red color.

"Hey, maybe he won't notice," Zack said and then quickly hushed them as Sephiroth returned to the table and took a seat, handing Zack the napkins and the ketchup.

The three watched him carefully as he took a bite of his sandwich and then reached for the glass and raised it to his lips.

Zack began giggling even before Sephiroth managed to take a sip, making him very suspicious, but he took a long drink it anyway, figuring it was just Zack being Zack. Then he sat it back down and looked in confusion at the three men who were staring at him in shock. Zack's mouth was even hung wide opened (which was disgusting since he was still in the process of chewing his fries).

"What?" He asked as he stared back at them.

"Did your drink taste… different?" Angeal asked finally.

"I don't think so, why?" Sephiroth asked.

"Huh?" Zack said, finally closing his mouth.

"What?" Sephiroth asked.

"Nothing." Zack said innocently. "We just um, thought they might have changed the recipe today or something."

Sephiroth took another sip and then shrugged. "It tastes fine to me."

He couldn't figure out why they kept staring at him like that throughout the rest of the meal.

**Lesson Learned: **Unknown.

* * *

><p><strong>Incident:<strong> The Conference

Sephiroth was bored. Very bored. The First Class SOLDIERs had all been forced to attend a board meeting and so far, two hours into the meeting, nothing had happened. It seemed that none of the higher-ups actually did anything useful at all. He was also beginning to worry that Genesis was going to injure his eyes by rolling them so much. He glanced at the clock. Five more minutes had passed. It was interesting how time worked. When he was working, time seemed to move so slowly, but during his free time with Genesis, Zack, and Angeal, time seemed to move a whole lot faster. It was all about perception and distractions he figured.  
>Hojo said something and then Genesis rolled his eyes again. Then he winced slightly and shot a glare at Angeal on his left. Sephiroth assumed his honorable friend had kicked the redhead under the table.<p>

Then a strange sound echoed through the room and everyone froze.

"_I'm too sexy for my shirt too sexy for my shirt  
><em>_So sexy it hurt"_

Sephiroth looked around wondering who could possibly have that set as their ring tone. He was going to guess it was Scarlet, but no one else was moving to answer their phone.

"_I'm too sexy for your party.  
><em>_Too sexy for your party."_

Then with a sinking feeling, Sephiroth realized that the awful noise was in fact coming from him, his pocket to be exact. In horror, he pulled out his cell, which displayed Zack Fair's name as the caller. He quickly turned off the phone and pocketed it again, hoping that everyone would ignore this outburst and let this incident slide. For a second it looked like everyone was going to ignore it, but then Genesis burst out laughing and the whole room followed suit, except for Angeal, who put up a valiant effort trying to disguise his laughter as a sudden coughing fit.

"Sephiroth, I did not realize you were into that kind of music," Hojo said mockingly.

Before Sephiroth could come up with a retort another song began to play.

"_I'm bringing sexy back  
>Them other boys don't know how to act<br>I think it's special what's behind your back  
>So turn around and I'll pick up the slack.<br>Take em' to the bridge_"

"Oh God," Angeal said as he fumbled for his phone.

"_Dirty babe  
>You see these shackles<br>Baby I'm your slave  
>I'll let you whip me if I misbehave<br>It's just that no one makes me feel this way"_

This was all too much for Genesis who had collapsed laughing onto the floor.

"Stop laughing, Genesis," Angeal snapped as he finally turned the phone off. "You know you'll be next."

"Nope, my phone is on silent, which is what you're supposed to do with your phone when you go to a meeting with your boss," he said through his laughter as he sat up and wagged a finger at Angeal. "It's the polite thing to do."

**Lesson Learned:** Never leave your phone on during important meetings. And more importantly, never let Zack near your phone.

* * *

><p><strong>Incident:<strong> Hide and Go Seek III

The copier was out of paper again. Sephiroth was beginning to wonder if someone was stealing the paper. He had refilled the tray just yesterday and it was already out again. Perhaps Zack was attempting to build another papier-mâché life-sized replica of a Bahamut SIN. He would have to keep a closer eye on the paper. He stalked over to the closet where they kept all of the extra office supplies and opened the door. He reached in and grabbed a stack of printer paper and was about to close the door again when he noticed something was off. Specifically, there was someone in the closet.

"Zack?" He asked as he peered down at the man wedged between reams of paper.

Zack smiled up at him sheepishly. "Hi."

"What are you doing in the supply closet?" Sephiroth asked, completely perplexed.

"Practicing my origami skills," Zack said, holding up a misshapen paper crane.

"Why?" Sephiroth asked, wondering if Zack had completely lost it.

"I'm playing hide-and-go-seek," Zack said. "Genesis is looking for me."

Sephiroth raised an eyebrow at that statement. He had seen Genesis less than ten minutes ago in his office. "How long have you been hiding here?" Sephiroth asked.

"Almost an hour," Zack said with a chuckle. "I chose a really good hiding place."

"Uh huh," Sephiroth agreed hesitantly.

"Don't stay here too long or he might come by and get suspicious," Zack said, so Sephiroth shut the door again, but instead of heading back to the printer, he instead walked to Genesis' office, where he found the redhead reading something on the computer.

"What an honor," Genesis commented as Sephiroth pushed open the door to his office, "the great Sephiroth is gracing me with a visit during working hours. And you've brought me paper. Lovely. What do I owe this honor to?"

"Zack seems to think you're playing hide and seek," Sephiroth explained, curiously watching Genesis to see how he would take this news.

Genesis' face broke out into a devilish smile. "So he's still hiding then?" He said with a laugh.

"He's in the paper closet down the hall," Sephiroth informed him.

Genesis laughed again and made no move to get up and go after Zack's hiding spot.

"Are you going to go get him?" Sephiroth inquired.

"No," Genesis said. "He kept bothering me, so I offered to play hide-and-seek with him. Of course, I have had any intention of looking for him. But I never dreamed he would hide for so long. I didn't think he could physically stay quiet this long. This is wonderful."

"So you tricked him?" Sephiroth asked.

"Yes," Genesis admitted without any hint of regret in his voice.

"Is not that a bit mean?" Sephiroth asked.

"You've spent too much time around Angeal. And speaking of Angeal, we're supposed to go get lunch now. Are you coming?"

"What about Zack?" Sephiroth asked.

"Oh this is good for him. I'm helping him by teaching him a lesson about patience, trusting others, and being annoying," Genesis said as he grabbed Sephiroth by the arm and pulled him out the door.

**Lesson Learned: **Don't trust Genesis.

* * *

><p><strong>Incident: <strong>Jokes and Apologies

"Hey guys, let's tell jokes," Zack suggested as the four SOLDIERs sat around the table at the cafeteria. "I've got a good one. Okay. Two fish were in a tank. Then one fish said to the other, 'How do you drive this thing?'" Zack burst out laughing while the other three SOLDIERs merely stared at him.

"Zack you are an idiot," Genesis said finally over Zack's laughter.

"Genesis, apologize," Angeal said sternly.

"What? I'm only stating a fact."

"Genesis."

"And you're not my mother. In fact, I'm older than you. So don't tell me what to do," Genesis said pointing at Angeal.

"Genesis," Angeal repeated firmly.

"Fine."

"Then apologize now."

"Zack, I'm sorry for calling you an idiot to your face."

"Try again," Angeal said.

"I'm sorry for calling you an idiot. I thought you already knew."

"Genesis!"

"Zackary, I'm sorry for calling you an idiot. You are most certainly not. You're a brilliant, prodigious genius. I'm sure one day you'll be the best SOLDIER in Shinra." He said sarcastically.

"Aw, thanks!" Zack said beaming at Genesis, who dropped his head into his hands, completely defeated. "Oh, any I've got another joke: What do you call a guy who never farts in public?"

"Polite?" Angeal offered hesitantly.

"A private tutor!" Zack yelled as he roared with laughter while Genesis let out a groan.

**Lesson Learned:** Some people (Zack) are extremely forgiving.

* * *

><p><strong>Incident:<strong> Zack finds the "Healthy Level of Insanity Part 2"

**1. Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example, "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom, in stall three."**

Unfortunately, stall three was out of order, but he was forced to use it anyway since he had already sent out the email, and did not want to be called a liar.

**2. Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. **

"Call me 'Genny' one more time and I swear you won't be able to speak for the next three days," Genesis threatened.

**3. Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat five entire raw potatoes.**  
>That was a fairly unproductive meeting since they all spent most of the time staring in increasing shock and disgust at Zack.<p>

**4. Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.**

For some reason, Cissnei never responded.

**5. Determine how many cups of coffee are "too many." **

Angeal insisted it was one.

**6. For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth.**

As a reward for catching two fish, Angeal took him to the labs for an mental evaluation.

**7. Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc... in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none... Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."**  
>This prank did not make Zack very popular among the constantly hungry SOLDIERs.<p>

**8. Follow deliverymen around in pure James Bond style, but make it very obvious.**

The deliveryman wet himself when he realized he was being stalked by a clearly crazy SOLDIER, which made Zack feel a little bad (although it was very funny).  
><strong><br>9. Persistently call your bosses 'sweetcheeks' and wink at them in front of everyone.**

Thereafter Lazard kept assigning him missions to the most remote, far away locations possible.

**10. Deliberately get colleagues names wrong.**

After being called Angie for the third time that day, Angeal dragged Zack back to the labs to make sure his brain was still there.

**11. Hold races in the corridors with chairs that don't have wheels on them.**

It was slightly difficult and a bit slow moving, but Zack still beat Kunsel in every race.

**12. Wear socks on the outside of your shoes.**

Angeal did not even question that one. He just shook his head and left.

**13. Poke holes in the bottoms of all the Styrofoam coffee cups in the break room.**  
>It was really funny to watch people try and get coffee until Lazard spilled coffee all over his new suit… then it was hilarious.<p>

**Lesson Learned: **Avoid Zack on all days that end in "y."

* * *

><p>Please review! Also, a special thanks to Rhapsodos Genesis and pika-power for their ideas that I used in this chapter.<p> 


	15. Chapter 15

**It's chapter 15!**

I update so frequently and consistently it's amazing, isn't it? It really is…

Anyway, thanks so much for all the wonderful reviews! You guys are all fantastic! I'm sorry it took me for-freaking-ever to update! Hopefully the next one won't take me so long!

* * *

><p><strong>Incident:<strong> Love Letters

"Looky, looky," Zack sang as he dived into the SOLDIER lounge where Sephiroth and Angeal were sitting. He proudly waved a white piece of paper above his head.

"And what exactly are we supposed to be looking at?" Sephiroth inquired as he tried to decipher the tiny writing on the piece of paper, but it was too far away and moving too fast as Zack continued to wave it about as he did some sort of odd victory dance.

"It's a love letter," Zack said proudly, holding it out towards them for a half second before he went back to waving it around.

"From who?" Angeal asked, fully prepared to lecture Zack on honor and fidelity if the letter wasn't from Aerith.

Before Zack could answer, the door burst open again and a panting cadet with yellow hair tumbled into the room.

"Zack, give it back!" Cloud panted as Zack tried his best to look innocent. He failed horribly, finding that he couldn't keep a smirk off his face.

"But it's so cute, Cloudy," Zack said. "Just let me read a couple lines."

"No!" Cloud cried rushing forward and making a snatch for the letter but Zack easily dodged and danced away.

"Zack," Angeal said sternly. "Give him his letter back."

"One second," Zack said, then still dodging Cloud and his attempts to grab the letter, he started to read. "Dear Cloudy-poo, I have been thinking about you all the time and I have come to realize that I am madly in love with you, you sexy animal. Please visit and make sweet love to me-"

"It doesn't say any of that!" Cloud yelled. His face had turned completely red. "We're just friends. F-R-I-E-N-D-S, Zack."

"Aw, I know we're friends, Cloudy," Zack said happily as he patted the irate cadet on the head.

"Not us! Tifa and I are friends," Cloud said. "You and I are going to be mortal enemies if you don't give that letter back."

"Hold on, let me keep reading," Zack said. "I think about you every day and would love to run by hands through that silky mane of yours and make hot, passionate love to you. Love, Tifa."

"It doesn't say that! It doesn't say anything like that! Give it back!" Cloud yelled before turning and shooting the three other Firsts a pleading look.

Angeal was forced into action under that gaze. "Zack," he said in the disapproving and disappointed tone that everyone knew meant that a lecture about honor was soon to follow. "Give him back the letter."

"Sure," Zack said, sounding defeated for all of a millisecond before smiling again. "I'll return it…but do you know what I think I should do first? Write her a response for you!"

"Don't even think about it Zack," Cloud pleaded.

"Don't worry, I am the master of smooth," Zack assured him as he darted out of the room with Cloud hot of his trail.

"I have no idea what just happened," Sephiroth admitted as the door slowly swung closed.

Angeal laughed. "It seems that Cloud is in love with this Tifa girl," he said with confidence as he leaned back in his chair.

"And Zack is teasing him?" Sephiroth asked.

"Indeed," Angeal said. "Friends seemed to always tease each other about their crushes."

"Odd," Sephiroth said, as he filed this new bit of information away.

**Lesson Learned:** It is sometimes acceptable for friends sometimes tease each other.

* * *

><p><strong>Incident:<strong> Zack Fair The TERMINATOR's List

**1. Steal someone's stuff and sell it on eBay. Then pretend you have no idea where it went.**

"Zackary," Sephiroth said, sounding perplexed. "Have you seen my left shoulder guard?"

"No," Zack said quickly. "But did you know that those things are worth a lot on eBay, like thousands of Gil?"

"No," Sephiroth said sounding confused and slightly suspicious. "And how would you know that, Fair?"

Zack smiled sheepishly and shrugged. "Just a fun fact."

**2. Crossdress. It's funny!**

"Zack!" Angeal called in shock as his face found a way into his hand. "Zack, go change. Now."

"What? Don't you think I look good in a dress?" Zack asked.

**3. Put dye in everyone's shampoo. Make it bright or neon.**

Zack was fairly certain that had Angeal not been there when Sephiroth and Genesis found him, he would have been skewered and set on fire.

**4. Do the Caramelldansen. Encourage others to join you.**

"The really sad thing," Genesis said to Angeal is he stared at Zack dancing out in the hallway, "Is that he is the only one of us with a girlfriend."

**5. "Accidentally" light Hojo on fire. No one likes Hojo.**

"How was I supposed to know it would catch on fire! He said the liquid was inflammable!" Zack insisted defensively, causing Angeal to smack his own forehead.

**6. Start calling Sephiroth mommy. Call Genesis daddy and Angeal Grampa!**

"Do I really look that old?" Angeal asked with concern after they'd chased Zack out.

**7. Hum the Darth Vader theme song whenever Sephiroth walks in the room.**

Sephiroth himself thought it was rather fitting.

**8. Pretend to read a really smart-looking book. See how many people freak out.**

"Zack, why are you reading the dictionary?" Genesis asked.

"To look smart," Zack answered.

"You are not succeeding."

**9. Invite over Angeal and Genesis's moms. See how that turns out.**  
>Zack now understood where Angeal got his morals from… and unfortunately he also now understood where Genesis got his temper from.<p>

**10. Pretend to read LOVELESS. See how many people freak out.**

Angeal promptly confiscated it, muttering that he could not stand, "Another one."

**Lesson Learned:** Expect the unexpected.

* * *

><p><strong>Incident:<strong> Chocobos

"Does anyone want apple pie? I baked one yesterday," Angeal offered, as he glared at Genesis' boots which were resting on his table.

"Yes!" Genesis said.

"Indeed," Sephiroth said. "Thank you, Angeal."

"No problem," he said as he phone went off. He sighed and answered it. "What now, Zack. This better not be about your toilet again. Just call maintenance... Okay…. Chocobos?…No…Why?...Okay, we'll be there." Angeal hung up the phone and turned to the other two.

"What did Fair do this time?" Genesis asked. He had a sinking feeling that whatever it was was going to somehow keep him from his apple pie.

"It seems he found some orphaned baby chocobos and has taken them in. However, they are hiding under his bed and he can't get them out."

"So?" Genesis said, still miffed that he wasn't eating pie right now.

"So he found someone willing to take them in, but he can't get them to the person if he can't get them out from under his bed."

"Wow, Zack is growing up isn't he?" Genesis said, startled. "He actually found a home for them instead of trying to keep chocobos in his room… are you sure this was Fair?"

"Yes, he's not a little kid. Now let's go help him."

"What about the pie?"

"We can have that later, Genesis. Now come on," Angeal said tugging his annoyed red-haired friend out of his seat and towards the door. Sephiroth followed silently after them as they headed to Zack's room.

There they found Zack sitting on the floor, peering under his bed.

"Hey guys," he said, when they entered.

"Hello, Zack," Angeal said. "Where are the baby chocobos?"

"Under there," Zack said pointing under the bed. "They're afraid of me," he added sadly.

"Well, how can we help?" Angeal asked.

"I don't know. I can't reach them," Zack said.

"Can't you just move the bed?" Angeal asked as he peeked under the bed. Three fluffy yellow chocobo chicks cowered there, chirping nervously. One of them hissed angrily and puffed up his feathers, trying to look intimidating.

"Nope. I think it's bolted to the floor."

"That's very strange," Sephiroth noted.

"Maybe we can lure them out with food," Angeal suggested.

"This is going to take a while isn't it?" Genesis complained as he took a seat on Zack's desk.

"Would it not be easier to simply find someone small enough to fit under the bed?" Sephiroth asked.

"Yea," Zack said. "That's a good idea. Hey, Genesis."

"Don't even think about it." Genesis said cocking one eyebrow as he glared at Zack. Angeal mentally prepared himself for the apartment to catch on fire.

"I think you're small enough to fit. You're the smallest of the four of us," Zack continued apparently oblivious to the impending danger. Genesis glared daggers at him, but said nothing.

"Why are you annoyed?" Sephiroth asked Genesis. "It is simply a statement of fact; you are smaller than the rest of us." He glanced at the heeled boots Genesis wore.

"I'm still not small enough to fit under the bed," Genesis hissed, turning his ire of Sephiroth for a moment.

Then there was a knock at the door.

"I'll get it," Angeal said, wanting a reason to escape the potentially dangerous scene. He opened the door and was rather unsurprised to see the blonde cadet standing there. Cloud however, was obviously surprised to see him.

"Oh, hi, sir. I didn't realize Zack had you over so I'll just go," he said nervously, already prepared to make a run for it. However, Zack was much faster than him and dived over Angeal and pulled the blonde into a hug.

"Cloud, you're small! You're just what we need!"

"Uh, what?" Cloud stammered in confusion as he was dragged within.

"We need you to crawl under the bed and pull out the chocobos out. There are some chocobo chicks under my bed," Zack quickly explained quickly.

Cloud stared at him in complete confusion. "Zack, are you sure you're okay?" He asked.

Genesis, who seemed to be sitting up even straighter than usual, laughed from behind him. "I doubt he ever is 'okay,'" he muttered.

"There are chocobo chicks under my bed, and we can't reach them. So could you craw under there and grab them for me?" Zack pleaded.

"Chocobos?"

"Yea."

"Why are they in your room?" Cloud asked.

"I found them, orphaned. Now can you grab them for me? Pretty please with lots of sugar on top. And a cherry. And whipped cream. And M&Ms and-"

"Okay, I get the picture," Cloud said, cutting him off as he peeked under the bed. All three chicks let out an angry hiss as he did so.

"Uh, I think they want to eat me," he said, pulling back.

"They're not going to eat you. They're just chicks," Zack said.

"Okay, okay," Cloud said and he ducked under the bed frame and wormed his way towards the chicks. It was a tight, uncomfortable fit under the bed. With an odd '_wark_' the chicks suddenly charged and he thought for a second they were going to peck his eyes out, but instead the nuzzled against his hair. This allowed him to easily grab the chicks and pull them out from under the bed. Once out he sat up and the chicks climbed all over him, chirping happily.

"Huh, why do they suddenly like you so much?" Zack asked as he watched the chicks run around Cloud. "They were scared of me." He knelt down and reached for one of the chicks but it quickly darted away with a _wark_ of fear and climbed up Cloud's arm so that it could stand on his shoulder and glare at Zack.

"I don't know why they like me," Cloud said.

"Perhaps it is because your hair looks like a chocobo's butt," Spehiroth offered helpfully.

Cloud suddenly turned deep tomato red and Genesis burst out laughing.

"Sephiroth!" Angeal admonished.

**Lesson Learned:** Sometimes it is best to keep your observations to yourself.

* * *

><p><strong>Incident:<strong> **Ways to be Annoying on a Plane **

**1. Ask someone for their autograph, pretending that you think they're Tom Cruise or Madonna.**

"For the last time, I am not Madonna, yo." Reno snapped, glaring up at Zack.

**2. Bring a duffel bag packed with pipe cleaners, Styrofoam balls, construction paper, etc. Organize a "Kraft Korner". Make a craft likeness of the person sitting next to you. Give yourself an "F."**

"Zack, I don't have a lumberjack beard and I'm not bald," Angeal said as he peered over Zack's shoulder at the crafting disaster unfolding there.

"We could fix that," Zack offered, raising the scissors towards Angeal's hair.

**3. Bring your computer keyboard without a monitor. Place it on your lap. Stare into the palm of your hand. Wait. Push the return key a few times. Yell out "Yes! Alright! I told them I didn't need a laptop!"**

"Sephiroth, I think you should suggest that the physiological evaluations to get into SOLDIER need to be a lot more stringent," Genesis said as he watched Zack.

**4. With the person next to you, discuss cannibalism among airline crash passengers on deserted islands.**

"I don't think I could eat you even if I was starving," Genesis said matter-of-factly. "I'd be too afraid of catching whatever it is that you have."

**5. Jump up and scream "AAAHHH! I left the stove on!"**

"Zack, you don't even have a stove," Angeal said.

"I didn't say it was my stove!" Zack said, and Angeal paled.

**6. Snap Polaroids of your neighbors. Pull out an empty photo album and arrange the pictures inside it. Tuck the album under your jacket and say, "You know, in some cultures they believe that when you take a person's photograph...you own their soul." Smiling maniacally.**

"Aren't you so proud to be known as his mentor?" Genesis asked Angeal.

**7. Sneeze, using somebody's sleeve instead of your hand to cover it.**

Sephiroth wasn't sure how to react in this sort of situation, but judging by Genesis' laughter, punching Zack in the face hadn't been too far out of line.

**8. Start singing the Shari Lewis theme, "This is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because, this is the song that never ends..." Suddenly realize that you can never stop singing. Become very panicky. Scrawl "Help me" on a piece of paper and hand it to the person sitting next to you. Claw at your throat and thrash around in the seat. Never stop singing.**

"We don't know him," Genesis casually informed the stewardess as she walked by, staring uncomfortably at Zack.

"Never seen him before in my life," Angeal added.

**9. Suddenly remember that you might have left your iron on. Ask if the pilot would mind going back so you can check.**

Genesis leaned forward and eyed Zack's rumpled clothes and then leaned back and closed his eyes. "I'm not worried. It's clear that you've never touched an iron in your life.

**10. Tell corny jokes and laugh like it's absolutely hilarious, then expect others to do the same.**

"Why is six afraid of seven?" Zack asked.

"Because seven eight nine," Cloud answered tiredly without looking up. "You really need some new jokes, Zack."

"No," Zack said, sticking out his lower lip as he pouted. "It's because seven had a gun! Hahahaha!" He said as he burst out laughing and slapped his knee. Cloud just stared.

**11. Whip out your kazoo and give first class a special entertainment show.**

"Should I kill him for playing that or you for buying him the kazoo?" Genesis asked Angeal.

"I already said I was sorry. I wasn't thinking clearly at the time," Angeal said.

**12. With a desperate look, ask the stewardess where the bathroom is, then look relieved and say "Nevermind. Do you have any towels?"**

Genesis, who had been sitting next to Zack, darted out of his seat so fast you would have thought it had been on fire. Then he launched a forced occupation of Sephiroth's seat and spent the last hour of the ride sitting on the General's lap.

**Lesson Learned:** If given the choices between walking and flying in a plane with Zack, choose walking.

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><p>Yay! Thanks to suggestions by Zack Fair The TERMINATOR," yuri<strong>, <strong>ImaginaryLucky7, and Heartless Lotus! And as always, please review and leave any suggestions you may have! Thanks!


	16. Chapter 16

**I bet you thought it was never going to come, but here it is….**

**THE OBSERVATIONS PART SIXTEEN! **

**Ahh! I haven't updated in six months! *Hides from shame.***

**Ahem… also I'm now on TVtropes! Whooo! Thanks to Kel for pointing that out! And I still don't own Final Fantasy. Darn.**

**Incident:** The Women's Bathroom.

"Where have you been?" Angeal asked as Zack plopped down next to the other First Class SOLDIERs in the cafeteria.

"We we're hoping- I mean afraid," Genesis corrected after being shot a look from Angeal "that you might have been eaten by some strange monster." He said it offhandedly as he picked at his ham sandwich.

"Zack! What happened to you?" Angeal exclaimed upon noticing the large black eye his former student was sporting. A larger purplish bruise surrounded his left eye. It had already faded somewhat thanks to the mako in his bloodstream.

"I've been conducting a scientific inquiry," Zack reported happily. The three other SOLDIERs exchanged a look. Angeal let out a long sigh.

"And that caused you to get punched in the face?"

"Is it a study on black eyes?" Genesis said. "Because if you need help, I can give you another one." This comment earned him a second glare from Angeal.

"Aw, thanks Genesis, but no," Zack said. "I've been trying to answer that classic age old question of –"

"If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it does it still make a sound?" Sephiroth offered.

"No," Zack said. "The other one."

"What is the meaning of life?" Angeal offered.

"Um, no, Not that one either," Zack said.

"The true ending of _Loveless?" _Genesis offered.

"Um, no. Actually, the question I set out to answer is why do girls always go to the bathroom in packs?"

"Oh," Angeal said, looking disappointed. Genesis rolled his eyes.

"Is that a well-known trend?" Sephiroth asked, confused.

"Of course it is," Zack exclaimed. "Every guy wonders about it!"

"So, what is your scientific conclusion?" Genesis asked, waving a hand at Zack to tell him to get a move on.

"Well, first I just asked Cissnei," Zack said.

"And what did she say?" Angeal asked.

"Did she punch you?" Genesis asked.

Zack ignored Genesis's question. "She said that girls go to the bathroom in packs so that if the apocalypse strikes while she is in the bathroom, she won't have to face the zombies and hell fire alone."

"That is the stupidest reason I've ever heard of," Genesis said. "That's something _you_ would think up."

"I thought it made sense," Zack countered looking contemplative.

"So is that the extent of your scientific investigation?" Sephiroth asked. "It does not seem very thorough."

"Nope, I didn't stop there," Zack said proudly. "I asked Lazard's secretary, and she said that it was 'just what women do.' Then I asked that other female Turk. She said it was so that they can talk about us guys."

Zack paused for a moment. "Then I asked Scarlet…"

"Big mistake," Genesis muttered under his breath.

"And she offered to show me," Zack said, making a concerned face. "But, using my SOLDIER instincts, I, erm, hurried away."

"Then I asked this little eight-year-old ninja that I ran into in the woods," Zack continued, oblivious to the confused looks of the other three SOLDIERs. "Man, was she annoying. Anyway, she said it was because all women's bathrooms have TVs and only losers watch movies alone. Then she stole my materia."

"And eight year old stole your materia?" Sephiroth questioned.

"And how exactly did you get a black eye?" Angeal asked.

"Well, I wanted to see if there really are TVs in the women's bathrooms," Zack said, rubbing the back of his neck. A guilty smile appeared on his face.

Angeal dropped his head into his hands.

"And so I went in one – just to see if there was a TV. And Cissnei was there and she punched me in the face…" Zack trailed off.

"Zack," Angeal said. "I really don't know what to do with you."

"But there were no TVs," Zack said. "So I guess they only have TVs in the bathrooms in Wutai."

**Lesson Learned: **Women go to the bathroom in packs and Cissnei evidentially has a strong right hook.

**Incident:** Bad Things to do when in Command of a Military Squad for a Training Exercise

**1. Before preparing for battle, recite the entire 'Braveheart' speech.**

"I always wondered why Zack's unit was always a little late," Angeal commented as he watched Zack lead the exercise.

"It also explains the kilts," Genesis noted.

**2. Give each member of the squad an animal related nickname.**

"Chocobo, get over here!"

"MY NAME IS CLOUD!"

"Oh give it up, at least you're not named Butterfly," another cadet said.

"No talking, Butterfly!" Zack called.

**3. Create your own uniforms.**

"Um, are you sure we're even allowed to wear this?" One cadet asked, picking at the plaid cloth.

"Of course, Genesis and Sephiroth flout the standard uniform all the time," Zack said, waving a hand dismissively at the flustered troops.

"Yea, but they're not wearing skirts..."

"Wear your kilt proudly!"

**4. Give your commands in riddles.**

"The blue hill of honorability? What does that even mean?" One cadet asked.

"He's worse than Commander Rhapsodos!" another exclaimed.

**5. Go on the mission to play 'Monopoly.'**

"Best mission ever!" Cloud announced as he claimed Boardwalk.

**6. A higher rank appears address them as His Holiness. Make sure your entire squad does the same thing.**

"Why are they all calling us that?" Sephiroth asked.

"I don't know. But it's kind of fitting," Genesis said.

**7. Instruct your squad to fight exclusively in slow motion.**

"I thought they weren't supposed to be using Time materia during this exercise," Sephiroth said.

"They're not," Angeal said.

"Then what is going on?"

"Zack. Zack Fair."

**8. Enforce a choreographed victory celebration.**

"Someone should tell them they shouldn't lift their legs that high when wearing kilts… but it's not going to be me," Genesis said as he stalked off, hand over his eyes.

**Lesson Learned: **Never put Zack in charge of anything.

**Incident: **Sleeping on the Job

Lazard glanced around the room at the four First Class SOLDIERs. "Can any of you explain this?" He asked, brandishing the newspaper in front of them. The SOLDIERs stared back with a multitude of expressions on their faces: anger (Genesis), confusion (Zack), annoyance (Sephiroth), and shock (Angeal). But none of them were quite sure how to explain it.

It all started innocently enough. The First class SOLDIERs were assigned to read and make comments about the newest Shinra Military Handbook. So, Sephiroth, Genesis, Angeal, and Zack all met in Sephiroth's office and tried to read through the thick packet of military code. Unfortunately, said code was extremely boring and within fifteen minutes Zack was sprawled across the desk, snoring loudly.

"The writing is terrible," Genesis complained. "And I'd love to hit whoever wrote this with a thesaurus. They used the word 'improper' about thirty times on this page alone. The syntax is beyond appalling and the grammar is certainly subpar."

"I don't think those are the types of criticism they want from us, Genesis. Read it from a military standpoint, not a literary one," Angeal said as he stifled a yawn.

"It is indeed dry," Sephiroth said.

"Agreed," Angeal said.

"Comma splice!" Genesis said. "That is the last straw." He slammed the book shut and slapped it down onto the table. "I refuse to read another word of this atrociously written garbage."

Angeal let out a sigh and returned to reading the code as Genesis leaned back in his chair, arms crossed, eyes glaring angrily at the handbook in front of him as if it had murdered his entire family. Angeal knew there was no point in arguing with his friend. Once Genesis had decided on something there was little anyone could do to change his mind.

The next time Angeal looked up from his reading, Genesis was out too, although he retained some dignity while asleep, unlike Zack, who was snoring loudly with his face planted firmly in the book as he drooled onto the pages.

He glanced over at Sephiroth. Even the General appeared to be struggling to stay awake. Angeal himself was admittedly having a war with his eyelids at the moment. They simply refused to obey him.

Sephiroth finally finished the first section of the code and glanced up at his fellow SOLDIERs, wanting to know how far they were. However, all the others appeared to be asleep. He shook his head. SOLDIERs should not fall asleep on the job, no matter how boring that job is. He contemplated waking them all up and yelling at them.

Instead, he ignored them and pushed on reading; however, after finishing the next page he realized he could hardly recall what he had just read. He pushed back his long bangs from his forehead. Maybe he should just rest his eyes for a moment, he thought. Then he could focus better on his work. So he closed his eyes just for a moment…

The door to the general's office was thrown open and Reno stepped into the office and stared in surprise at the four sleeping forms in front of him.

He let out a laugh. "I guess it's nap time," he mused as he tossed the report he had been ordered to hand deliver to the General onto the table. He kind of wished he had a camera so he could take a picture of this. This was a Kodak moment if there ever was one.

He exited the office and walked back towards the Turks' headquarters, stopping only for a moment to talk to one cute blonde secretary.

"Hey baby," he said, leaning up against her desk. "Are you a parking ticket? Because you've got FINE written all over you."

The secretary let out a long sigh. "Go away, Reno. I've got work to do."

"Sheesh, you can't blame a guy for trying can you." He said as he played with his goggles. "Hey, do you have a camera by any chance, baby?"

"No," she said as she loudly shuffled around the papers on her desk in an attempt to look very busy.

"Too bad, yo. I just walked in on the four First Class SOLDIERS sleeping together in the General's office. I tell you, it was a picture perfect moment. Would probably be good blackmail material."

"What?" the secretary asked, dropping the papers she was holding. They spilled out across her desk and a few fell onto the floor and lay there forgotten. "_Sleeping together?" _She repeated.

Just then Reno's phone went off. He glanced at it and swore. "The boss needs me. But don't worry baby, we can talk more later," he said and then he hurried off. Leaving the secretary sitting there in shock for a moment. Then she dived for her phone. She wasn't about to keep this to herself.

And that's why Zack, Sephiroth, Angeal, and Genesis ended up standing in Lazard's office as Lazard brandished a copy of a local gossip newspaper at them with a headline that read, "SOLDIER AFFAIR: FOUR FIRST CLASS SOLDIERS REPORTEDLY SLEEPING TOGETHER."

**Lesson Learned:** Never sleep on the job.

**Please review and continue to leave your awesome suggestions and funny lists. Even if I can't find a way use all of them (yet), I always enjoy reading them. Also, the "Bad Things to do when in Command of a Military Squad for Training Exercise" was suggested by Sweetness. And I PROMISE I'll update sooner next time! No really. I will!**


	17. Chapter 17

**The Observations Part 17 **

**Here is the totally on time final chapter, which I totally got up in less than six months. Good thing it didn't take me almost nine months to update because that would be really lame and totally unlike me. Yup.**

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><p><strong>Incident:<strong> Ways to Annoy People at the Pool List  
><strong>1. Take a flutter board and pretend you can't swim.<strong>

Moments like this gave Cloud confidence that he would be able to get into SOLDIER. If the man flailing around on a flutter board could do it, so could he.

**2. Sit in the baby pool and play with the toys.**

Consequently, he was not permitted in the pool during adult swim.

**3. Ask an attractive lifeguard to practice CPR on you.**

"If performed correctly, the victim usually has his ribs broken and throws up in the rescuer's mouth," Sephiroth said as he shot Zack a confused look. "Why would you want that practiced on you?"

"You just made the idea of CPR indefinitely less sexy," Zack informed him.

**4. Sit on the top of the water slide and don't move.**

"Zack's clogging the slide again," Angeal noted as he pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration.

"Why would I care about that?" Genesis snapped. "We have bigger issues here. Namely, do you think the chlorine could damage my hair?"

**5. Insist that you saw a hideous monster at the bottom of the pool.**

"Maybe it was just your reflection," Genesis offered.

**6. Try to negotiate the price of admission.**

"Zack, just pay the normal price. You're a first class SOLDIER. You are paid very well."

"We're paid!?"

**7. Take your towel; tie it around your shoulders and say, "Wheee! I'm Batman!" while running around.**

"Imagine for a moment, Angeal," Genesis said, "how he acted when he actually was five."

**8. Stand on top of the high board and say you won't come down until your demands are met.**

"This is our chance!" Genesis hissed. "If we leave now he can't follow us!"

**9. Sing and dance on top of the diving board, then do a belly-flop as your grand-finale.**

"Ow. Ow. Ow. Angeal I don't feel so well."

"Please stop talking to us Zack. We're pretending we don't know you!" Angeal whispered as he hurried over to the other side of the pool.

**10. Play Marco-Polo by yourself.**

Angeal dragged Zack back to the infirmary for another psychological evaluation. Somehow, all the tests came back normal.

**11. Ask small children if they have seen any suspicious-looking sea monsters lately.**

It turns out that the pool cleans out pretty fast when SOLDIERs start asking about monsters. Consequently, the SOLDIERs had the pool entirely to themselves the rest of the afternoon.

**Lesson Learned: **There are some advantages of having Zack around.

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><p><strong>Incident: <strong>Nine Ways to Get Thrown Out of Wall Mar(ke)t

**1. In the auto department practice your "Madonna" look with different funnels.**

"I have nothing to say," Angeal said. "Nothing to say at all."

**2. When you hear an announcement over the loudspeaker, assume a fetal position and scream, "Oh no, OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"**

"He's not really a SOLDIER," Genesis informed the people gathered around the scene. "I have no idea where he got that uniform from."

**3. See how many footballs you can throw into the next aisle or, better yet, see how many aisles you can clear!**

He managed six aisles before he was thrown out.

**4. Hide in the clothing rack and when someone browses the rack yell "PICK ME! PICK ME!"**

"I don't care if you think it looks tacky, yo," Reno said as he tugged on his neon orange jacket. "This jacket was literally calling for me to buy it."

**5. Walk into a fitting room, wait a short time, then yell, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"**

And thus, Zack Fair became the first and only person on the "Forbidden from Using the Dressing Room List."

**6. Go up to some old geezer and say "Grandpa! You're ALIVE! It's a MIRACLE!"**

"Zack, I am not near old enough to be your grandfather," Angeal said as he stared back at Zack.

"He's just looks that old," Genesis offered before darting away screaming as Angeal drew the Buster sword.

**7. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"**

They had no Shnerples!

**8. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags. Then attempt to fit others into very large gym bags. **

Zack sadly didn't fit in any. But he did find that Cloud fit into one.

**9. Take a fishing pole, tie it to a gil, and go fishing for humans!**

He caught a Reno!

**Lesson Learned:** Never go shopping with Zack.

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><p><strong>Incident:<strong> Hiccups

_Hic._

"Wow," Zack said, turning to Sephiroth who was covering his mouth. "So even the great general Sephiroth gets hiccups, huh?"

Instead of responding, Sephiroth just let out another hiccup, which still answered the question pretty well.

"Of course he does," Genesis snapped. "He's human, just like you."

Sephiroth raised an eyebrow at being told he was "just like" Zack.

"Are you sure he's human?" Zack asked, teasingly. "What if it turns out that he's actually created from the DNA of a super-powered alien that was hell-bent on destroying the planet?"

"Zack, you clearly watch way too much television," Angeal said with a long sigh.

Sephiroth let out another hiccup. "How do I stop hiccupping?"

"Well, they say the best way is to get someone to scare you," Angeal said.

"But how do we scare the Sephiroth?" Zack asked as he tapped on his chin thoughtfully.

"Oh, I'm sure _you _can come up with a way," Genesis muttered.

"Sephiroth, Hojo is right behind you!" Zack suddenly cried as he waved his arms wildly in a way that was supposed to signal the sudden appearance of Hojo.

Sephiroth raised a pale eyebrow and slowly turned to look behind them. The room behind him was empty and entirely devoid of Hojo. His question of "Where?" was somewhat distorted by another hiccup.

"Darn, I thought that would work." Zack said as Sephiroth kept hiccupping.

"Try holding your breath for a little while," Angeal offered.

"No, the thing that always works for me is picturing a room filled with bald men," Zack said confidently as he stroked his chin.

"_Excuse me_?" Genesis asked, raising an auburn eyebrow.

"Why bald men?" Angeal asked as Sephiroth hiccupped again.

"I don't know. But it works." Zack said this with utter confidence.

_Hic_

"A room filled with bald men?" Sephiroth asked, trying to figure out how this related to hiccups.

"I don't think that is a thing," Genesis said.

"It's a thing," Zack insisted. "It always works for me."

"It's not a thing, Zack," Genesis said as he stood up and then turned to face Sephiroth. "What you need to do is drink water out of the opposite side of a glace."

"Huh?" Sephiroth hiccupped.

"How is that even possible?" Zack asked.

Suddenly a glass of water held in a red-gloved hand appeared in front of Sephiroth.

_Hic_

"It's simple," Genesis said as he flicked a lock of hair out of his face. "You just drink out of this side of the glass," he said tapping the side away from Sephiroth. "You just bend over the cup to do it."

Sephiroth cast an uncertain glance at Genesis, wondering if this was some sort of joke. Genesis seemed sincere but he didn't truly believe it. He cast a glance at Angeal who gave him slight nod. "I've done it before. It works," Angeal said.

"Or you could just imagine a room filled with bald men," Zack muttered.

"I still don't quite understand how to do this," Sephiroth hiccupped, peering at the glass again.

"You can't do it at the table. Stand up and do it," Angeal advised.

Sephiroth cast an uncertain glance at the other two Firsts and then hiccupped again. Then in a fluid motion, he got to his feet. He gave another hiccup and then hunched over, awkwardly tilting the glass so he could drink from the far side. He found it wasn't very difficult. Or that was what he thinking when he nearly choked and he quickly straightened back up, narrowly avoiding spilling the rest of the water in the process.

"Well, did it work?" Genesis asked.

"I think so," Sephiroth said after a pause. Then with another hiccup he was proven wrong. He grimaced as Genesis laughed at him.

"You should have just imagined bald men in a room."

"Zack, where did you even get that from?" Angeal asked.

"It's a thing. I swear it works. You just need to really concentrate on it!"

_Hic._

"How would you know that?" Genesis asked. "Have you ever concentrated on anything in your life?"

"You wound me!" Zack declared. "Right here," he added as he tapped on the left side of his chest.

_Hic._

"Try hold your breath," Angeal said. "That's a remedy I've heard a lot."

"For how long should I hold my breath for?" Sephiroth asked.

"I don't know. Like ten seconds?"

Sephiroth nodded and then held his breath for ten seconds while Zack made funny faces in a failed attempt to make him laugh.

_Hic. _

"That did not work either," Sephiroth said.

"Well, I'm out of ideas," Angeal admitted.

"Try sticking your fingers in your ears," Genesis said. "That's supposed to stimulate the nerve endings or something."

Sephiroth reached up hesitantly and stuck his index fingers in his ears, carefully watching Genesis' expression for any sign this might be a joke.

_Hic._

"I've heard that sticking out your tongue and grabbing it works too," Zack said.

Genesis smirked. "Yea, try that one, General."

"I think I'd rather not," Sephiroth said.

"Well, then try imaging a room filled with bald men," Zack said. "I promise it works. Don't you trust me, Sephiroth?" Zack asked as he pulled out a fantastic set up puppy eyes.

"Okay," Sephiroth said through a hiccup. Then tried to imagine what the room would look like filled with multiple copies of Rude.

_Hic_

"I don't think it works," he said.

"I don't think you were concentrating hard enough," Zack chastised. "You didn't even close your eyes. It _always _works. Picture a room filled with bald men. Tons of bald men."

Sephiroth closed his eyes and focused on imaging a large room filled with bald men. After a minute or so, he opened his eyes. Zack was beaming at him.

"It totally worked!" Zack bellowed into his face. Then he proceeded to hop around the room in a strange victory dance.

"Can I stop imagining bald men now?" he asked Zack.

"Are your hiccups gone?" Angeal asked.

"I believe so," Sephiroth said, pausing for a moment as if waiting on another hiccup to prove him wrong, but it never came.

"Awesome!" Zack cried. "Bald men for the win!"

**Lesson Learned:** You can trust Zack Fair.

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><p><strong>Special thanks to <strong>**Lord Divestre Croft**** who suggested the swimming pool list. Also special thanks to **_**someone **_**who suggested the Walmart list (I lost your name and cannot find it -sorry!). And super thanks to everyone who reviewed and/or suggested stuff (even if I didn't get around to using it, I still enjoyed reading it). **


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